Transgressões Paliativas

2012-01-09T15:22:00.003-02:00

It's been quite a long time. Always different and, somehow, always the same.

Going through a phase (a phase, I hope) where where everything is worn out (I'm worn out) and every damn thing feels so repetitive that even the thought of doing things makes me feel tired. Not physically tired, not sleepy, just tired of stuff.

Eating is boring, sleeping is boring (not sleeping properly, but getting to sleep, lying in bed and waiting for the zone inbetween awakeness and dream to come feels tiring), working is boring, going to the supermarket is boring. It's always like "oh, not again, I've done it yesterday already! Is it going to be everyday like this?".

I've know for a long time I have this feeling about things being repetitive and I avoid to feel it the most I can. And when I can't help it, there's this nuisance that bothers the hell out of me and I don't know what to do about it. It can be an awkward situation, something I have been through already, something that happened to me and I wanna tell people, but when I get to the second or third person I am already tired of myself telling the same thing over and over again. It sucks.

But now what? Not sleeping is not really an option. My face has never looked so bad ever since. I have dark and deep circles around my eyes and you can tell by how my skin is that I haven't had much rest lately. Not eating? Doing what then? And I do feel hungry, but there's this laziness about going and fixing something to eat or drink and nothing looks that appealing.

What then? am I depressed (crying may be a symptom huh?)? Am I ever going to not feel tired about doing the same things everyday over and over and over again? I really fucking hope so. But now that doesn't really seem very likely.

2011-06-26T15:19:00.001-03:00

Life is made of these unplanned moments and unplanned feelings and emotions, good or bad ones. Of things or experiences we are not really expecting to have.

The moment you get this sussed out and start caring about it, everything becomes meaningful and more fulfilling.

And it feels now like I'm having the time of my life. All the time.

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test

2011-06-20T09:00:00.001-03:00

just checking whether this android app works

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2011-05-17T22:16:00.001-03:00

Daddy phoned on Sunday and told me things that I had never been aware of. It made me feel uneasy for some time and then later I phoned mum and told her these things and only then I realized I was feeling sorry for him. It was as if, for the first time, I could see him.

Maybe the word is “humanize”. I humanized daddy in my mind. I have always seen him as a different kind of person. The kind that doesn't feel, that doesn't care about other people, that did pretty bad things to his brother and some bad things to his mother.

And all of a sudden, somehow, everything starts making sense and I get everything completely sussed out. Some questions are still unanswered and they will always be. But, hey, it's my father and I lived 25 years seeing him as a person he probably isn't. What changed is that I think now I understand him. And it kind of changes everything related to him.

Well, that has made me feel a little bit sad since Sunday. And I got sick (the flu – not related to having had this talk with dad) and felt weak, and feeling weak made me realize I have to work and do things regardless of the way I feel, 'cause if I don't, I have no one to financially rely on (and sometimes, not even emotionally, I guess), and realizing this made things become a little bit heavier and harder to be done. I wanna work less and make more money. I need to have the time to work out (I'm having postural problems and it may become worse if I don't do anything). And if I'm not able to “bear” this, then I should do something about it (this meaning: to give up). But at the same time I thought “it's all a matter of feeling strong or weak”, 'cause I reckon when I felt fine I also felt kind of powerful, as if things could just flow the way they were supposed to (now they are supposed to be a mess and stuck).

2011-05-16T22:07:00.002-03:00

Eyes will drift to the sky

In time

While arms keep holding tight

There's a party in full force

Still the guests

Can't help but watch the door

Expressing your uncertainties

Through years of anniversaries

Then five years down the line

You say, "She was never my type"

Lovers are strangers

There's nothing to discuss

Hearts will be faithful

While the truth is told to someone else

When you look off

Tell me who you really love

Fall comes by surprise

Looking into strange eyes

Like school kids who are not friends

In the streets they are connected

Huddling in the dark

The only number you call

Magic moments are not lost

They'll outlive all your doubts

Lovers are strangers

There's nothing to discuss

Hearts will be faithful

While the truth is told to someone else

When you look off

Tell me who you really love

Lovers Are Strangers - Chinawoman

Epithalamium

2011-04-22T21:38:00.001-03:00

You're beeswax and I'm bird shit.
I'm mostly harmless. You're irrational.
If I'm iniquity then you're theft.
One of us is supercalifragilistic.

If I'm the most insane disgusting filth
you're hardly curiosa.
You're bubble wrap to my fingertips.
You're winter sleep and I'm the bee dance.

And I am menthol and you are eggshell.
When you're atrocious I am Spellcheck.
You're the yen. I'm the Nepalese pound.
If I'm homesteading you're radical chic.

I'm carpet shock and you're the rail.
I'm Memory Foam Day on Price-Drop TV
and you're the Lord of Misrule who shrieks
when I surface in goggles through duckweed,

and I am Trafalgar, and you're Waterloo,
and frequently it seems to me that I am you,
and you are me. If I'm the rising incantation
you're the charm, or I am, or you are.

- Nick Laird

From The New Yorker, January 24th, 2011

2011-04-22T21:37:00.001-03:00

Don't (ever) get any big ideas.
They're not gonna happen.
(...)
Now that you found it, it's gone.
Now that you feel it, you don't.

2011-03-25T13:52:00.001-03:00

Discuto mentalmente por horas a fio um relacionamento que não existe com alguém que eu não conheço.

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2011-03-24T18:49:00.000-03:00

Daddy left my house this morning, heading São Jose dos Campos.

Some posts ago, I wrote I intended to call him. And I did. And we talked about trivial stuff and we were able to get on well. Concidentally, he was about to come to São Paulo state a week after I called him and I invited him to stay in my house for a few days if he wanted. (well, at the same time he was flying from Fortaleza to são Paulo, my brother was flying to Ireland. Funny, no?)

Well, he came on Tuesday afternoon and stayed till this morning. As a good host, I gave him my room and tried to be nice. We did many things together and we got on well. But... I dont know. Things became so sad this morning. He's still the same man, active, eager to speak, won't let you talk, noisy all the time and always telling what you have to do. I had a headache all the time (now it's a bit better) and for some time I just wished for some silence in the house.

Anyways, I saw many unexpected qualities I had never noticed (or he gained some time from now, who knows it): every time he would address to my cats, he would call himself “grandpa”. I had never imagined how he would treat a child of mine if I ever had/have one. He seemed kind. He liked the girls (my cats). If someone asked me, I could say he must have bet a big deal of something that by the time I was 20 I would have already had a kid. Blurred or not, that's the image I've always thought he had of me.

It was quite weird to host him as a grown-up, independent daughter. Living alone, working really hard to be good at what I do and to make ends meet at the end of the month (they don't really, but who cares haha).

We went to the cemetery to visit granpa and my great-grandmother's grave. He told me he intended to visit my uncle's (his brother) grave in SJC, too. And all the time, I thought (but I didn't say anything 'cause I wanted no arguments or anything bad between us) “You didn't go to their funerals, dad. You charged to 'donate' bone marrow to my uncle. You hated grandpa. Why did it take you so long to get things sussed out?”

And when we went to Santa Efigenia, he showed me the store he used to look at and think about buying me a guitar when I was young. “Why didn't you buy it, dad? I would have loved to have a guitar and play it.” But there was no answer.

And everything is gone. And he is a mixture of a stranger and someone very close to me all at the same time. And it is deeply fucking sad.

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And then, suddenly, I got lost. As an early and conscious pms in which you know exactly what bothers you and what the problems are and why you feel sad. But despite all that awareness, lost.

People are vanishing (don't ask me to explain anything but they are). And I have less and less time to have fun and meet people (although there's aren't many people I'd like to meet ayways, but still). I feel I need to spend some energy, to cry a lot, or to dance a lot, or to drink a lot and get really wasted, to do anything to feel (and keep me) alive.

And despite all that, I have a nice job, nice friends, enough money, really great little creatures which are my cats, I (finally) have some kind of a relationship with everyone from my family, I am able to do an internship, work and study at the same time and smart enough (maybe not tough enough, but smart, that's for sure) to do it now, while no one else is thinking of this and which is gonna (probably) put me miles ahead from the others in my classroom and so on. And I feel fine about it all (with an always huge feeling of melancholy, but I think I have finally accepted the fact it's never gonna change).

2011-03-08T12:53:00.002-03:00

Today it looks more like Sunday than it did on Sunday itself. The day started quite "bright", I even thought it would be sunny but now it is raining again. So, again, it feels really nice to be at warm at home and to have coffee here and to eat some nice stuff and to be listening to music and surfing the net.

I think a lot of stuff has changed since I started my evening internship. It is a little bit hard to have an everyday routine now, because each day there's something different to do in the morning and I work weekends and have two days off during the week and these two days vary every week. So, sometimes I sleep 2 or 3 hours a night, sometimes 9 hours a night, sometimes a bit during the night, a bit during the day, sometimes only the day after, sometimes I have to take plenty of Ginseng to keep me awake and aware (yes, ginseng does wonderful things). And that's it. Of course, there are side effects to all that change. My stomach has bothered me a little too much lately. I go to college quite unaware of stuff, as if I had smoked pot everytime we are in the kitchen. But some nice stuff has happened too: I dream more now. I think I use my dreams to close unfinished business. That being, I usually dream of stuff that worried me during the day and sometimes I have difficulty saying what was reality and what I dreamt during the night. But I also dreamt of granny these days and it was nice (it reminds me that I'll probably call my father today, bearing in mind parents are not heroes or perfect people, it became easier to try and talk to him). In this dream, granny said nice things about the sofa that was hers and I had it "recovered" (literally) and brought home (it is still in my mother's house and I'm about to bring it here). After dreaming that I realized she would have been proud of me if she saw what I did (can't tell if that's one of the reasons for doing all this). And I realized it was important to me. I mean, there are many things inside me that I didn't really know. It just crossed my mind that I ran away from her and dad 'cause they were too hard on us and I couldn't take it. It has always been true but somehow I had forgotten it. What does it mean? Dunno. I never (never) hated them or anything, it is just that I would always let them down, I guess. At least for granny. Sometimes I wonder what she'd think of this and that and I think that I'd be happy to give her a call to tell her the stuff going on here. But then I remember she used to disapprove of me of too many things. My ex-bf. The way I spend my money (God knows what they had in mind about it, 'cause I've never really said anything about it). How I didn't call them enough. And so on. Guess I should have learnt how to deal with that. Last week, at college, we made a dish (one that I particularly hate) that granny used to make very often and that daddy liked a lot. It made me think a lot of her (and maybe that's why I dreamt of her) and it made me go through all this.

The internship also made me not care too much about things anymore. Haha, guess I am even lazier now, meaning that I find it really useless to argue over stuff when its result is not going to affect anything. It's like "whatever" for everything. I don't care.

That's it for now. Haven't had much spare time and when I do, I get a little bit lost and start procrastinating (and usually end the day having done nothing). I even thought about recording stuff while I'm commuting (that's what I do the most nowaydays), but somehow, I gave up this "new project". Maybe it's not such a bad idea.

2011-03-02T09:32:00.001-03:00

2011-02-21T13:48:00.001-03:00

It doesn't matter what I do it seems I'm never ready for anything, there's always this feeling that something's missing, that I'm heading unprepared, weightless and it is as if I said to myself "c'mon, let's see where it takes us". And maybe,that's it.

2011-02-08T07:14:00.002-02:00

Today, I'm at home this time 'cause I missed the time. And I could swear to God I don't have the slightiest, tiniest memory of the alarm clock ringing at 4.50am. The good part is that I just called my student and she said she hadn't canceled our class 'cause hadn't had time to that yesterday. Anyways, lost money (but still, not so bad).

Realized I'm on pms on Saturday, when I felt the urge to buy some chocolate (hadn't eaten chocolate for ages and for me, that meant something) and then, all of a sudden, everything is really irritating and it's hard for me to do the stuff I have to (work related, home related, college related, anything). And the "I can't sleep" times are back. I go to bed, sleep really fast, wake up after less than half an hour and then stay for at least the next hour or so (and today I didn't hear the damn clock ringing. It is really annoying when you realize you are really capable of failing to see things, of going to things and not being to go to then because you can't remember they've happened. It's really annoying). This time, I am anxious about hundreds of stuff. I'm gonna start my internship very soon (depending on how long I am able togo through the bureaucratic stuff) and I am gonna work after college until 1am. Although it seems bad, it's the best shift I could actually get. Studying in the afternoon is not something good when you wanna do stuff like that. Then I will still continue with my morning classes (if I don't leave the classes I have now, adding up the money I'll get from the internship, I'll be able to have almost the same salary I have now) and I am seriously thinking about having lunch time free so I can sleep after the morning classes and before college. I am afraid I won't be able to do this. I do need sleep. And I feel really messy right now, with stuff I should have done several days before (that's the freelancer syndrome, I read somewhere lol nothing's more appealing than a cup of coffee and a book or a newspaper before starting work. And work never starts).

So, while I was in bed, wide awake last night, I decided two things: I really need a change to be able to go through this, so, I'll stop procrastinating (again) - and that's when it works better, during pms, when I feel a lot of anger and have plenty of energy to go through a particular path. This means doing everything I am intended to do and getting my "activities pile" clean. The second thing is that I'm going back on the pill. I have no records of having a mild pms, but still, if there's a way to tame female hormones it is to be on pills, so, I'll do that. I realize exercising wouldn't be bad either, but I try to think when I'd do that and I see I should stop sleeping if I want to add any other activity to my routine. I wanted to start gardening, having my own cooking herbs and so on. I imagine myself going to the backyard and picking fresh parsley or basil for lunch, its greeness and freshness and I feel I really want to do that. But not now. I wanted to start paying more attention to photography, I'm really keen on it and I'd also really start to do something related to it, but...

The internship contract lasts 6 months. I hope to be able to work at any restaurant kitchen feeling confident about myself after that, so, after these 6 months, things will probably change again. And that's it.

Ha, here's something funny. As I have no time for exercising (well, I do, but I am not able to go jogging with all this sun pouring outthere), last time I came from Sao Jose I bought a pilates dvd. Haven't watched it yet though (yes, I know, I know). Gonna give it a try today and see how it goes.

Still thinking about dad now and then and trying to decide what to do about it. Still feeling alone sometimes but having the time of my life more often than I'd ever expect. Having friends around. And now, being in a bad mood. As soon as I realized how much anger I was feeling regarding everything I kinda decided to change it. As if I could suddenly make it become smoke and disappear. Fade. And I think somehow, this mindset worked (and all this happened during the night, when I couldn't sleep). So, that's it for now, gonna go sort some stuff out now...

Otto at Sesc Vila Mariana

2011-01-16T09:44:00.004-02:00

So, yesterday, I went to see Otto's concert at Teatro Vila Mariana (at Sesc). I had an album by him and had listened to it a few times before and yesterday I listened to his last album, something with "Sonhos Intranquilos" in its title. Well, as it was at the theater, you had numbered seats and so on (I had bought my ticket in advance, 'cause I knew it was going to be sold out very fast) and when I arrived there there were a lot of people asking for extra tickets and a big crowd at the entrance. The concert took a little bit longer than expected to start (Sesc is usually on time with this kind of stuff) and when it started the woman sat next to me started kind of dancing on her chair (sat). Then she got up and went somewhere she could dance without bothering anyone. And then a few people started going down the stairs and staying near the stage, where they could dance. And then more and more people left their seats to be nearer the stage and able to dance. Man, I had never seen such thing before. It's a theater, with many many seats and half the audience is standing there, singing his songs and dancing to them. And the concert lasted two hours. The band was amazing, Otto was amazing, with his wandering words inbetween songs and the audience, too, amazing.
I was really amazed, because, just two days earlier I had been there to see Jorge Mautner singing. It was also a great concert, but completely different from Otto's. People really connected there. Amazing.

2011-01-07T19:17:00.001-02:00

Feeling awful and disappointed. I'm not enough for myself. My life is too damn boring now.

Haven't been able to sleep more than 5 hours a night and today tried to sleep twice during the day and didn't get any rest. That's probably why my world's grey today.

On my way to a two-hour class. Bleh!

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2011-01-06T09:22:00.001-02:00

Dizer tudo. Ou nao dizer nada. Ou dizer alguma coisa.

Por ora (ou seria hora? Ah, as duvidas!), vou ficar com o nada.

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Nostalgia/Comfort - part 2

2011-01-05T19:24:00.000-02:00

(continuing)
all this smelly memories, with people and places and voices and situations and actions, I am made of them. I don't live in the past or wish I was 4 again (sometimes I do). It's just that somehow this stuff is very very important to me and yet saying I don't, I miss them and kindly care about them.

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Nostalgia/Comfort - part 1

2011-01-05T19:18:00.001-02:00

I like the way I sometimes feel the past. Not that I miss it, but sometimes it feels really comforting to smell something or to be in a situation that brings old memories. This morning, for example, I opened the cupboard plastic bag compartment and I exhaled the smell of fresh clean clothes being ironed. We also keep the iron and some ironing enhancement liquid (well, I don't iron, but my roommate does and cares about this stuff) there. And I was sudddenly taken back to when I was 4 or 5 years old and used to spend time with granny. Back then, my grandparents lived in a very big house, with a big backyard and a place for parties and barbecues and a room for storing stuff (she sold the house and moved to the apartment we sold now when grandad died). She used to iron there and the smell was just the same. It might look like it means nothing but I really think we are made of this stuff, of this smelly memories that bring comfort and make you miss somethin

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2011-01-03T19:39:00.002-02:00

Clean up, tidy up, organize, make plans. It's weird when you have plenty of spare time and a lot of stuff to be done. I can't be efficient in situations like these. I keep finding cooler stuff to do and this cool stuff leads to even cooler stuff and then I don't do anything I HAD to. Bah. Anyways, it doesn't bother me that much, 'cause I've got plenty of spare time and, at least for today, I've accomplished every single item in my to do list (not that I had planned to do many things, but still...).

Anyways, don't even know why i am writing today. I was going to see Hermeto Pascoal at Sesc Consolacao, but when I arrived there it was sold out. There were a lot of people without tickets and they were going to put chairs and let us watch the concert from a big screen, and then I decided to come back home. It was worth the walk, I guess. There are so many concerts this month that I can't be sad for missing one (all I can do now is to buy the tickets in advance - for Hermeto Pascoal's concert that wasn't possible). Well, that's it.

The new thing now is English class through Skype (yeah yeah, I don't speak good English and I am really ashamed of saying I teach English for a living and people pay me for that and they seem to enjoy my class. I'll stop doing it as soon as I find something that doesn't hurt and is as "well paid" as my classes). So, Skype classes are nice! I thought it was going to be a pain in the ass and that it would take really long or that I'd have connection problems or that anything bad would happen, but no, nothing bad happened and the experience was really nice. But I am really lazy right now and I got to switch to work mode in no more than 15 minutes. Bleh! It sucks. It reminds me of Futurama's first episode. That guy saying "You gotta do what you gotta do". Bleh again. Let's go to work (I should be glad I don't need to leave home for that).

Gogol Bordello is my new favorite band. I just can say I love it. Downloaded all their albums already and just found out Eugene Hutz lives in Brazil (don't know if he still doesn, but he did, anyways). They are just amazing.

2011-01-02T18:25:00.002-02:00

Alexandre Borges is on TPM's "Paginas Vermelhas" (here) this month and, wow, what a great man. It is great to see that some people do have interesting (yet different) thoughts on stuff I am really confused about. I was happy to read it.

Here in my house, laziness is the word of the day.

Just found out there are gazzilions (Leonie's word of the day contribution) of apps for my new cell phone on the internet and that 4/5 of them don't work. It was nice though, to download them and try to make them work. You know when you were young and it was really easy to deal with any electronic device and you didn't understand how your mother can't program the VCR? Well, I was kinda feeling like the mom until I tried to explore my mobile features. I did it! But the feeling was really crappy. Something like "well, it's too complicated for me and I have no clue how people do that" and a voice kept telling me "You ARE getting older. When you have the feeling you are not able to discover and explore things and you are afraid of that and because of that you don't try it, you are definitely becoming old, as worst as this definition can be (I'd say rusty).

After starting the year awake for like 20 minutes (I just can't remember what happened after that, all I have is flashes of myself feeling really bad and people asking me whether I was fine, just like images of a bad part of a movie (bad or unimportant stuff, that is), I've set this year's first resolution: drinking rules. I still don't know how strict I can be about them, but it may include drinking one alcoholic unit (whatever it may be) per hour, drinking water (not only when I'm hangover) and eating stuff while all this is happening.
Guess this is quite a resolution.

Haven't left my house yet. It's rainy and it feels so comfy to be at home. I like it here. The light in the house (in the kitchen, when I wake up, especially). The cats around me, eager for anything I have to give them. My food experiments. Everything is quite nice here. Plenty of music, movies and stuff to do.

I was going to write about something that bothered me, but after reading Alexandre Borges's interview, it doesn't really bother me anymore.
I have issues on letting things (actually, people) go. I feel cruel and bad when I think of it. How is it that you sleep with a person, feel his/her smell everyday, his/her breath, his/her hair texture, voice, everything for some time (long or short) and then, one day, you don't anymore. And you know that this person will be replaced by someone else, even though you had all this sensations (the sleeping part and the "knowing things so well" part) as one of the most important things in your life. And this will happen person after person.
How can you switch from smell to smell, from kiss to kiss, from snore to snore?
People may find it normal, but for me it is weird and somehow painful, I can't really tell why. Maybe I should just separate one person from another and be pluri-something. I mean, one person does and does not replace the other. They are different. But somehow they replace each other in my life. But they are different. Fuck. Well, each person is unique but play a similar role in my life. Somehow.

Carla Bruni, Lykke Li, Cat Power, Sun Ra and Wilco are part of my repertoire today.

2010-12-20T08:59:00.002-02:00

What a beautiful day. Nice smell. Not too hot nor cold. Amazed by the sunrays crossing the kitchen window.

No moody Monday today - so far, at least.

Slept for 8 hours and got a headache (yes, 8 hours is way too much for me now, thanks to my pussy cats). And coffee was great again (now I use demerara sugar, which gives a nice taste and smell to anything you make) and my cheese/tomato sandwich was nice too.

I have less R$ 1000 than expected to receive this month thanks to all the cancelations this month. I was trying not too think about it. But then a friend told me about some government studies help I could get and I am trying to do it today so I get a refund for the whole semester (weird, huh). And maybe it works - apparently, it does.

And then that's it. Procrastination phasis seems to be ending. Or at least I've found my own pace, in some kind of balance or anything like that.

Gonna solve some problems and try to organize my music library, which is a real mess right now (it's gonna take quite a long time, but who cares?). Also, I wanna read my molecular gastronomy books during holidays, there must be some really interesting stuff there.

And that's it. Getting ready to go to Sao Jose. Teaching my last classes. Making arrangements here and there. Less depressed than I thought I'd be - I'm weirdly looking forward to go to Sao Jose and then to Caragua this year. I wanna be with them and go to the beach and have meals and walk around (sleeping probably ain't gonna be so good...it's so humid there and there are so many mosquitos haha).

2010-12-14T10:28:00.003-02:00

Procrastinating again. It is just that I don't have the energy nor an "accurate" mind right now. It has been hard to think and to remember everything.
I scheduled two classes at the same time yesterday. I was lucky 'cause one student canceled and just when I got home a voice told me "wasn't it today that you had a make-up class?" and it was.
And I forget to do things I had promised I'd do.

And today I have two tests at college (a written test and a "practical" one - We'll have to prepare a dish and it's gonna have to be "perfect") and I am not able to study. Had two cups of really strong coffee already but I still feel dizzy and lazy. Well, I think I studied all I needed. But maybe I should revise it, or ask myself questions. Forget it, I won't do anything. And we don't know what dish it's gonna be, so I'm not able to prepare my "road map" or anything. I'll try to arrive a bit earlier and ask the teacher and then print the part I need - but I'm almost sure I won't manage to do that.

And the pinch in my belly. Well, guess it has to do with peeing and its system. The bladder, the kidneys or anything connected to this. Just thought now that because it has been so hot in the kitchen during classes I have been drinking liters of water and haven't benn visiting the bathroom so often while I'm cooking. And yesterday it hurt more right when I felt my bladder was full.
And the pinch is more frequent and stronger now.
I went to the hospital yesterday. I thought of drawing my trajectory inside it but I feel too lazy for that. It was very funny. First, you get a number. Then you sit and wait. Then you are attended by a nurse who gets your temperature, your blood pressure (mine is always really low) and asks what you are feeling. Then she tells you to go to the same place you got your first number to make some kind of a file with your information. Ok. Then you go back to the place you waited for the first time and someone else calls your name. You tell her the same thing you told the first nurse and then she gives you a paper and tell you to go to the next room. There there's a very angry woman saying bad things about the mayor (I smile to be polite, I don't really care about the mayor), then you go somewhere just around the corner (carrying loads of paper already) and the people there measure your hips (couldn't tell what for), your height and tell you how heavy you are. Then they tell you to go to the counter between the second nurse and the place you just came from and give them the papers you have with you. This woman is even ruder, she doesn't even look at your face and you really feel you are bothering her a lot. Then you sit, and wait for like an hour and a half. Then a very small Jewish doctor calls my name in the most cheerful way someone has ever called me "Eulalia Cristina!" and I go there. And he asks a lotta stuff and just say this pain is really weird. Then I ask him "So, you have no clue what it is?" and he says "Well, no, I'm not completely lost, I have a clue. It might be the bowels or your urinary system." Ok, I say. And then a have blood, urine and poo exams to do now. I go to the same counter with the woman complaining about the mayor and there's another woman even ruder and she prints some papers and tell me to go to the same room where they measured my hips. I just go there for them to read what's written for me "Come back I don't when for the blood test, on the second floor, room blablabla. And next week you have to be here again (OMG!) and then I left, three hours later. lol

Do you know Spider? The novel by Patrick McGrath. Sometimes I feel like the main character, as if my internal organs was fading inside me and getting rotten. As if things weren't in their right place inside me.

I look pretty dark, I know. Guess it's just my mornings and all this time being spent alone. I had a lotta fun yesterday at college and today a friend is coming for lunch (I should hurry, there should be some food to eat if she's coming, right?). Don't even know what this means. Me giving excuses and trying to say I'm not so dark. Well, let's say a lotta stuff happen during the day and I am many me's as time passes.

I'm hooked!

2010-12-14T10:25:00.000-02:00

Baby Loves Me - EELS

2010-12-12T19:09:00.002-02:00

You know that Sunday afternoon annoying feeling? My Sunday has been empty so far. Wasn't able to sleep late (somehow I couldn't sleep after 8am - I went to bed after 3, so, that's awful). Haven't talked to many people so far either. And things just feel empty.

It may be loneliness lol Didn't feel like going anywhere or meeting anyone though. It just felt nice having the whole day for myself. Now it doesn't anymore.

And then there's this pain (or pinch) I have been feeling for more than a week now. A friend of mine told me to be careful 'cause that might mean appendicitis. By what I researched, yes, it is appendicitis. The way it hurts, where it is, how frequent it is and so on. So, I'm going to look for help tomorrow morning. Appendicitis may 'cause ones' death if it's not treated before it "explodes" and "infects" the whole body.

And then I don't know anymore whether I am really feeling this pain or I'm just contracting the left side of my belly and thus feeling weirdy.

Or I may not be giving enough attention to it and I may die, 'cause it's gonna be too late when I look for help.

And then there's the lack of money (which I shouldn't really worry about. I've experienced this a thousand times and always said to myself one way or another, money will come - but I also have this feeling that it comes 'cause I worry when I'm supposed to). Anyways, one fourth of college has already been paid. that means I'll have to struggle 3 times what I did this semester and when it's done, I'll be fine.

And then there's this thing with dad. I still don't understand what made me cry so much. I cried the whole day after writing him, then when we talked on the phone in the evening. Then the whole next day and a lot more before telling mum what had happened.

I am still wondering how it is that people spend their whole lives without talking to close relatives and I will probably become one of them. I see no way out. He was clear in everything he said, there can't have been a misunderstanding this time. And I am trying to decide when I'll let him know all that. And what I will let him know.

Some time from now, I had decided I had to take the anger off me. That I should stop barking at people because this brought me no good. And that for that I should feel fine and have no demons (or at least have some kind of friendship with them, acknowledge who/what they are and how to deal with them). I took this thing with daddy from deep inside, and that's why I wanted to do this when I thought I was ready. I feel relieved but I feel disappointed. Not sure in who or what. Me. Daddy. The world. His wife. And, somehow, the anger became disappointment and sadness and I'm not sure what to do with it. Live with it, I guess. But, then, not speaking with him for, like, forever? He thinks I said things I didn't and he acted this or that way for reasons I would never have and (worst of all) he thinks he can't be wrong 'cause no one pointed his mistakes when my parents split up. I said it here already but he said "if there was anything you felt wasn't right, you, your sister and your brother should have come to me and exposed the problem". I was 9 years old when they split up. I told him that and asked whether he had any clue how we felt back there. Going to his house on weekends, meeting one new girlfriend after another (when I was 18, he almost married a girl of 21), having money issues and hearing they refer to each other as "o falecido". Mum cut her wrists once. He still thinks, yes, we should have pointed him hsi faults. This is killing me. Once you don't know you are wrong you are not guilty because you don't acknowledge that. Looks like a nice (and blind) way of living, no?

Well, guess I'll just finish cleaning the house (I barely started) and wait for tomorrow to come. This feeling scares me.

Read it if you can!

2010-12-08T12:14:00.003-02:00

2010-12-07T11:05:00.002-02:00

I did it. I wrote him. I wrote to my father and I'm feeling exactly the way I expected to feel. Sad. Really fucking sad. As in crying every time I think about it.

But I couldn't say I forgive him. Because I'm not sure whether he's doneme any harm. I think it's the other way round. I told him I was sorry for taking away someone who was very important to him, although I am not sure how responsible I am for that.

Because, if someday I realize I am truly responsible and it is all my fault, I won't be able to take this any further.

Dramatic, I know. But as dramatic as it should be and as dramatic as I feel it.

Never thought I'd long for my father's answer this much.

And all I can do is cry. And feel sorry.

2010-12-06T22:26:00.000-02:00

Maybe (and just MAYBE) I am ready to be myself again.

Dia de MERDA

2010-12-01T18:31:00.000-02:00

How I started crying

2010-11-30T10:15:00.004-02:00

7.45am
Woke up. Felt fine. Took a shower. Made the best latte ever (I mean it. It was perfect. Half and half, strong coffee, perfectly sweet, good temperature), ate a very nice chapat with blackberry jam. Great.

Started thinking it was a good day. Although my cats kept playing the whole night (first, ping pong balls, then, at 4am, Marieta thought it was time for me to wake up and started licking my nose, then, woke up with them fighting and using me as their combat platform), I had gotten more sleep than usual, so, great.

You know that song by Simon and Garfunkel, Feelin Groove? I was feeling a little bit like that. Like that and like the songs by Ultraorange and Emanuelle. Loose and flowing. And I thought "well, back to Gestalt stuff naturally, just doing stuff and letting them happen" bah!

8.30am Logged on Skype to talk to mum. A friend was online. A recently converted friend - yes, meaning she wants everybody to be converted now, meaning all that Jesus talking and God is wonderful.
One day, I mentioned I wanted to write to my father to let him know about my thoughts on what happened to granny and to him and to us. And today she started pushing me towards this topic.
Pushing.
And pushing.
And when I said I thought I wasn't ready yet, that I felt things were just flowing and the day to do this would come, she kinda threatened me (I felt it as threatening, at least) "it can be too late when you are ready". My mood changed immediatelly and I started crying. "Don't do this to me", I said. "Please, don't threaten me like that". But she meant it. Ha! She said "Dear, if God gave you this problem it is because he thinks you've got the strenght to deal with it".

Well, my day's spoilt now.

I told her I didn't think it worked like that and so on (OMG, I hate there's-a-purpose-for-everything-that-happens stuff). She pushed me through something I wasn't ready to deal with yet.

Feeling bad now.

Then, talked to mum and told her a story about a friend who has had her college stuff stolen from her locker. But I wanted her to listen, not to give me her desperate opinion on that. Things were already being done and we were trying to solve the problem (she was so freaked out that I skipped school to help her with the burocratical stuff, police, security, college coordination and so on).

It is just my PMS, I know. But I feel really weak right now. And unable to get things done and move on.

(and now I really can't stop crying...)

2010-11-27T19:55:00.003-02:00

My ability to drink as many kinds of alcoholic drinks one can think of , sleep for only a few hours and not be hangover the day after is improving. :/

Procrastination

2010-11-25T19:08:00.002-02:00

pro·cras·ti·nate (pr-krst-nt, pr-)

v.intr.

To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness.

v.tr.

To postpone or delay needlessly.

C16: from Latin procrastinat-, procrastinare 'defer till the morning', from pro- 'forward' + crastinus 'belonging to tomorrow' (from cras 'tomorrow').

---------------------------------------------

My whole self is procrastination this week. Haven't been able to do/finish anything. Weird feeling.

Nuisance

2010-11-11T22:00:00.000-02:00

And then I felt bad. Confusion and nuisance came and are here in my throat, making me choke, making me think about anything but it. And today (and maybe tomorrow and maybe the day after and so on) I won't let it go. Don't ask me why. I wasn't expecting any of this. PMS was gone. Things were going fine. But this nuisance. It won't go away. It keeps telling me “there's something wrong. There's something that doesn't feel right” on and on.

2010-11-10T22:58:00.000-02:00

hmm comforting rain...

2010-11-09T22:13:00.003-02:00

Walk in silence,
Don't walk away, in silence
See the danger
Always danger
Endless talking
Of life rebuilding
Don't walk away

Walk in silence
Don't turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
Worn like a mask of self-hate
Confronts and then dies
Don't walk away

People like you find it easy
Naked to see
Walking on air
Hunting by the rivers
Through the streets
Every corner abandoned too soon
Set down with due care
Don't walk away in silence
Don't walk away

"Atmosphere" by Joy Division

2010-10-30T20:24:00.002-02:00

And that's why I didn't say I love you...

Because I thought it was too good to last. Because I thought you were way better than I was and that I was uninteresting and therefore sooner or later you would find it out and lose interest anyways.

And then I realized I was just trying to please you. To fit. Because I am always eager to please. Whenever someone turns to me and I see in their faces I've pleased them, I want to be accepted and approved and I want that more and more.

That's what I was doing all this time. Isn't that weird that our tastes and wills have always been so similar? I read well. Gosh, I can't believe I hadn't realized it all before. Of course! And that's also why I learned so fast. I'd always seen myself as a country girl whenever I was by your side and whenever you had those really lasting monologues and I kept listening and looking and admiring you for your intelligence and thinking “how lucky I am to have someone like that liking me, paying attention to me...” And somehow on the way, I forgot all this. And it became serious and even so it still seemed a fairy tale. Everything was magic and nice and kinda unreal.

And this was the farthest I got. We moved in together and we were like husband and wife. And now it seems like that's what I've accomplished and it was far more than what I was expecting – a month or two hot relationship with someone who very soon would get tired of me - I was ready for that, until the moment I forgot all this. And by that I feel kinda fine, in a very weird way. It is as if I said to myself “Abort ongoing action. This mission has already been outperformed. Time to start a new one.” And it is like “Yes, I accomplished it. I almost had a perfect home and I was able to sleep by someone's side and I was held in my sleep and the mornings were amazing and I was really filled with everything I was eager to have” And then, ok, I've had it. Of course it wouldn't last longer. Because I was pretending all this time. Not pretending, but maybe playing a role or something. Acting out.

And now you are where you should have always been. You are where I thought you were when I met you (but then you really liked my acting and stayed longer than I had expected in the beginning). You are with all those fancy people who talk about fancy/intelligent/cool/politically correct (and sometimes incorrect, when suitable) things in fancy places and in fancy clothes.

I got it all sussed out.

Weirdest of all, it doesn't seem so far from the truth. I really feel as I was nothing and liked nothing right now. Lost. As if I had been pretending all the time, as if all I am now was a product of my readings of what you like (of course, with a little dose of uncontrol).

Written on October 3^rd

2010-10-30T20:21:00.001-02:00

I could make a movie about my life.

I would start it by showing myself walking around the city, wandering, just like I did now. Walking and not talking to anyone, not connecting to anyone (and panicking when that happens). And then I would show him, spending time with other girls, attending interesting cocktails and meeting many, many people (that's what I imagine he's doing).

And it would be even more interesting because we are in São Paulo. And we would probably be (physically) very near to each other most part of the time. Me at Livraria Cultura, alone, finding some interesting books and he at someone else's fancy place only 20 meters away from me doing very interesting things (whatever crosses one's mind by reading that).

Then, of course, there would be a turning point (which I am waiting to happen right now. I am actually very eager to see what happens next and that's why I'd like to make a movie out of it, so there would be some action and some turning point). I have no idea what that would be. I am desperate to connect. But I freak out every time I have the slightest feeling something like that is likely to happen and then pfff, there's no turning point. There won't be any if I don't stop doing that.

If I knew many people I'd organize some kind of contest and ask them to continue this story and I'd really like to know what's in their minds and I'd like it even more to choose the best end for that.

Well, the story and the scenes and the colours, everything looked better inside my head.

Written on October 1^st

2010-01-20T09:52:00.002-02:00

Letting things go

2009-12-19T21:26:00.003-02:00

I was gonna erase the former posts about the healing thing. It all seemed so silly and empty and dramatic at the same time. I am hurt and childish. And that's it. Very shallow.

But there are days I want everything to just blow away and disappear and I kinda regret putting so much energy on these things. And having a ridiculous jealousy pitch because of a fatty ugly girl (sorry, I really have to be mean sometimes, especially when I am angry) - this is ridiculous itself. And I hate not having friends to hang out right now. Not being able to get wasted (well, I'm sick and wouldn't be able to drink - but screw it, what does it matter?).

And all the former posts (even the really old ones - I've read one from February last year), they all the same thing. I am to needy, I don't let him go, I am always too worried and that's all about it. It even looks like I've started this blog to write about him. Bah. I've started it to write about what's in my mind. Bah again. It sucks.

Well, now I am addicted to Grey's Anatomy (not the book, ok? One of my students, who happens to be a doctor, thought I was talking about the anatomy textbook lol). I've watched 4 episodes today. How depressing is that? Well, I guess when you don't have much cool stuff to do and you really find a tv show cool - cool like something you could do for hours - you will have fun. And that's kinda what I want to put inside my mind now. It is cool. Being alone is nice sometimes. Grrrr. I always think as if I had been abandoned and I think that makes the whole thing really worse, 'cause don't matter what I do, I'll be trying to fill my time with shit, with stuff to distract myself, instead of worshipping my dear one. Bah again again.

It is cool. Even writing here is cool. I like it when I start something and it turns out to be really something. Something I'll read later and laugh at and remember how I felt that day.

Enough bullshit.

Healing process (or the art of being alone) - day #4 (man, this is getting harder)

2009-12-15T23:04:00.002-02:00

11.07pm. Stoned. I should call it "getting worse" process. Man, this is hard. At least ten happenings I would've told ya happened today and it feels like I've thought of you every single second today. And it wasn't that cool with my brother today (what makes me think either way it would be boring, me having boring conversations with him or you both making fun of me all the time - at least someone laughed then).

And I used to go to bed early (or at least always had this desire).

I wish I did not care.

2009-12-15T16:07:00.002-02:00

I try to stay busy
I do the dishes, I mow the lawn
I try to keep myself occupied
Even though I know you’re not coming home

I try to keep the house nice and neat
I make my bed I change the sheets
I even learned how to use the washing machine
But keeping things clean doesn’t change anything

What am I gonna do when I run out of shirts to fold?
What am I gonna do when I run out of lawn to mow?
What am I gonna do if you never come home?
Tell me, what am I gonna do?

I hate it
I hate it here
When you’re gone

I caught myself thinking
I caught myself thinking once again
Have to try to keep my mind out of this
Try not to pretend

I’ll check the phone
I’ll check the mail
I’ll check the phone again and I call your mom
She says you’re not there and I should take care

I hate it here
When you’re gone
I hate it
I hate it here
When you’re gone

I try to stay busy
I take out the trash, I sweep the floor
Try to keep myself occupied
Cause I know you don’t live here anymore

("I Hate it Here" by Wilco)

Yes, childish and plain, but exactly how I feel. I keep looking for things to do. Whenever a student cancels class and I see myself with plenty of time left, I get near to bursting in tears and getting desperate thinking of the lousy future (the next four or five hours) that awaits me. Dramatic, huh?

I keep worrying about what will happen when I run out of things to do (will I disappear? will I jump? well, that makes me realize nothing bad will possibly happen, I'll just go to sleep or for a walk on Paulista)

Healing process (or the art of being alone) - day #3

2009-12-14T21:34:00.003-02:00

9.36pm. Not so bad until now. Dropped some tears answering e-mails (all of a sudden, I had 3 e-mails to answer, some people to see and calls to make), describing the weekend and the "loneliness" crisis. Awful, I'll tell ya, but there is nothing else to do, actually. The thing is to do things, to move on, to have fun and when I least expect, I'll be satisfied with my life/myself/the things I do (only, I hope it doesn't take long to happen).
I may sound like the dumbest person in the world, but I really believe someday we are gonna get back together and it will be nice - only now, going thru the posted posts, I noticed that I've been writing about my relationship not being good since April 2008, so, I kinda feel really idiot and really hate myself for feeling what I feel, and for being a believer (yeah, that's what I am, I guess), don't matter what. Well, who knows?
Well, plenty of stuff to do so far...some parties, get closer to family, make more friends and so on. That's my agenda. It seems ridiculous and all this story of getting well and being enough for myself seems to be a real cliche (duh!), but I have no choice, I can't deny and I can't really refuse anything - uhhh, I'm really desperate (well, considering I live on the 21st floor and I have a big window, everybody should be a bit concerned about me).

I'm not really sure whether I should count days or not, and, for now, I will (then I should have waited until midnight to put "day #4" instead of #3. beh).

So, I chose the wrong person and acted the wrong way. And now there is nothing left.

2009-12-09T22:16:00.002-02:00

Sunday, October 25th, 23h50.

2009-10-26T10:48:00.003-02:00

One of my blurry posts.

It's raining out there, it's nice. I feel as if it was the greatest view one can get from a building in a big city. You have my window curtains, the white wall, a small table with some plants on it and then you have all the buildings in front\side of my building and the very dark street ('cause it is wet, so it gets into a very nice colour) and it gives me a quite nice feeling, comfy, warm, winter-like.

It seems quite dramatic (and whether I like it or not, it is indeed) what one of my friends said about ending a relationship: it's like stopping being on heroine. She's a biologist, so she explained that our brain\body works the same way in both cases (without your “loved one” = without heroine), and it can't leave my mind now. It was my first bad day since I moved in and it was a really “bad” day. Too much time to think, too many things thought, not many things to do that could keep my mind completely busy, admitting I really miss my “loved one” and I'd rather be by his side than anyone else's, calling him (trying to get back to it), trying to be strong and don't do it again, trying not to “give up” my “rehabilitation”. Bah, it seems fucking awful now.
But, by all means, I really think I need to be enough for myself. The problem is: I don't think I'll be able to get to that. Whenever I'm alone and see people together, having fun, talking and so on, I can only see them as dumb people, as if they were being fooled, as if I knew the truth and they don't; something like “Do you all think it is easy to live like that without looking inside yourselves? Because, you know, you ain't gonna find anything there.” I feel I have a hole inside myself and that I'm empty and I'm not feeling this because of the end of this so-called relationship. I've always felt like that, it was just hidden, I was just busy with many other things (maybe like the people I see on the streets, but maybe I envy them – I envy them for sure).
And being enough for myself means so many things and is so complex and seems so hard to achieve that I feel desperate. Really. I realize now it is not even about having someone by my side or not, it is just about being able to live without the feeling I have right now (and which I have always felt, from time to time, since I was a little kid).

Does everyone with self-awareness feel this and see this? Why is it that they pretend so well? how do they do this (lol – no, it isn't funny) I can't really be so busy, and interested with so many things that I don't see it.

Well, the 'being” of a relationship made things easier. Today I realized that I really wanna marry someone and have kids, for the most selfish reasons one can think of – I just want to feel fine and complete. Then I remember I got to achieve that by myself – I got to be enough for myself. Period. I don't know how to get to that. Really.

2009-04-29T20:10:00.003-03:00

Funny thing. It`s been almost one year since I last posted something here and I still feel about the same.

Of course, many things have happenned, many things have changed, but still..the essence is the same.

Not sure anymore if we really like each other or if it is just convenient being together. Guess every couple has second thoughts about it some time (when they complete two years together?). I don`t know (see? the essence is the same. I don`t know. I never know anything).

Am I stronger? I am all feelings now, maybe even more than before, but I could say I am stronger. I have more strength. I dare more (or I dare, cause I used to be so slow, lazy, kinda dead), and I am here for anything. I feel, above all things. I feel everything deeply and painfully (and beautifully, I would say) and that`s about it.

"I wanna live life, always be true
I wanna live life, be good to you
(...)
We never change, do we?
No, no, no..."

2009-04-29T20:01:00.000-03:00

See? That`s what I`m talking about...

What have we become?

2008-05-16T13:33:00.001-03:00

Cold, sleepy, sad, rainy day. Listening to Cat Power. Was with Chico Buarque before that...he was singing Construção.

Whish we could move the clock forward so it was already friday night and I was getting home from college. I'd go to sleep (I am feeling very very tired) and would wake up late on Saturday *and feeling better, I hope*. That's what I'm gonna do, anyways. Now it's 11am, there is a bit less than 12 hours left for that.

And then Sunday will come. And then Monday again. Monday, May 19th. It was supposed to be a special day. Special anniversary thing. A pity. Too bad. Makes me even sadder.

At around 5,30pm, it will have been one year since we first saw each other - I am sure he remembers that: Me going downstairs and he waiting for me down there. The trip in the subway. The red ale beers at that cool place where the waiters never pay attention to us. The walk to his house. Me sitting really next to him on the couch. The night we had. The pics we took at Juliet's having breakfast - I still have them, and so has he. The movies. The first goodbye at the bus station.

So long ago. Still so good to remember.

I wonder what we have become.

2008-04-29T12:46:00.000-03:00

So, the weekend is gone.

It was ok.

I came to work and stayed here until 5pm. Then I went home, slept a bit, did my nails and and went to bed. On Sunday we woke up late, I tidied my room (threw a lot of paper away, cleaned the drawers and so on), we had lunch and went to watch "The Boss of it All". We got there late, so, it was not that good to watch the movie. And I had a headache that lasted the whole weekend (from friday to monday) and felt really really tired the whole weekend (but couldn't sleep much). And that was it. N. went home at night, we talked a bit. She made me feel really better.

Today I'm not that fine. We didn't speak yesterday. It was weird. I didn't like it. I don't know who should do it, whether someone should do it. I felt a bit upset about it again. Maybe I understand now what he meant when he wanted this break, but I still think it should not have been like this. It is making me feel bad. There is something fading inside of me and I am afraid of this. I didn't want this to happen. I love him and I am really afraid this is turning into something else (resentment, disgust).

I don't know.

Behaviourism Explains It

2008-04-25T10:19:00.000-03:00

I had an interesting class yesterday. It made me feel a bit less like freaking out about it all.

It was about behavior reinforcement. There was one kind called "Continuous Reinforcement". It basically works like this: for each response you get an enforcement. Like, every time you do something, you get something back. Then the professor explained some other kinds and mechanisms.

In the end of the class, she talked about the extinction of theses reinforcements. The extinction of the continuous one is a lot more traumatic (in all terms) than all others (the variable reinforcements). She said there are high rates of emotional answers (like eager, frustration, etc) and that the conditioned behaviour takes more time to be extincted (it even has an ascendent line in responses right when it is extincted). It was kind of crappy to hear she telling us how the rat (the mouse, whatever) behaved in this kind of extinction - "You feel so sorry about it, it scratches itself, it takes its nails off, it even leaves Skinner box bleeding" (we don't experience this because we use a software called Sniffy, that virtually simulate the Skinner box and the rat). When she described it I lousily thought of me, the night I begged him not to be far from me for so long. I shouted, I cried, I even held my hair trying to pull it off (and at this moment I thought I was sick, seriously sick). Traumatic. I think our relationship (maybe an extincted one now) fits to the description of the continuous reinforcement (at least the fact of the two of us be every damn week willing to see each other and now the - obliged - pause of being together and the idea of not seeing each other for more than two months. Again, I say, today it would be the 50th week).

Traumatic - but Skinner explains it. And it does take some weigh off of this whole situation. I am not mad. I am not getting sick (but I should watch it). At least I behaved a bit like this rat (I am not the only freak in the world. So was Skinner's rat).

Besides this, I am trying to plan my weekend. I'll work tomorrow (so I don't work on May 2nd), then I'll probably take care of something in myself (nails, wax, whatever), tidy something (I want to throw half my clothes away) and sleep. Sleep well and a lot. I checked what's on at the movies and there's a Lars Von Trier I wanted to watch some months ago in São Paulo (now it is here). So that's what will be for the whole Sunday, besides, of course, studying, studying and studying, I'm a bit fucked in a lot of subjects at college, I should really do something about it (now that I have plenty of time and plenty of weekends to do that, I will).

And that's it. I'm still thinking a lot of it all and I'll probably do that a lot more. Wondering what the real reasons are, checking each thing he said as the reason for this break (the fights - that, in my opinion, have decreased considerably comparing to earlier times), the routine thing (nothing has ever been done to change this, and I really spent all my spare time with him, which was the weekend). Well, that's it. I'll get tired of thinking of this soon, I hope. Bleh.

2008-04-24T13:45:00.000-03:00

The last post looks really dull, I know (so will do this one, I'm almost sure).

Yesterday, I tried to make a deal, and I really thought I'd be successful, but it didn't happen. I tried too hard, I know, but it won't be good in any way to me.

It is sad, because it is wearing me out. I got tired of asking him not to do that, begging him not to be far from me all this time. Useless. Got tired of trying. Why the hell should I beg something like that? And then, "ok, fine, if you want it like this you will have it". But I am feeling as if he was doing something bad to me. I still don't get why it is that two people need to be away from each other so things work (and we haven't even done anything to change it while we were together). And he is tired, he said. Not that he doesn't love me, no, but he is tired. Well, crappy. I keep remembering the conversation and making arguments to myself (and then I cry more). It is just sad. I won't die, of course, but it all really hurt me, I'm feeling as if he couldn't have been more insensible to/with me and I am not really sure how "numb" I will feel about this relationship in two months, living my life without him and being (almost) obliged to rearrange the things I do and to find things to be done without him.

What I mean is: it won't be the same anymore. At any terms. And I don't really feel it as something good.

The break

2008-04-22T14:32:00.001-03:00

We decided to give it a break. Not we. He did. Two (and a half) months without seing each other. Still can't deal (well or not) with it. Every time I think of it I cry and I can't even tell why. I don't know. From one hand, I think this will be really good. Time to study in the weekends, to spend hours reading pleasant stuff, to tidy my wardrobe and throw a lot of stuff away, to do my nails, to watch tv, to go for walks, to hang out with friends, to get drunk. It even seems I didn't have a life and now I'll be okay. Maybe that is what it is all about and I still didn't get it. I said goodbye yesterday and it is already so sad to know I will only be with him again in two months. It hurts. But maybe we were (are) two addicted of each other, I can't deny that. I didn't tell him, but next week it would have been 50 weekends we are together "non-stoppingly". That's useless now. What's the point in counting something when it has no meaning any more? None.

I don't know. Thought writing would help. No. I knew everything I wrote here. I still feel like crying. I am still sad.

Latest news

2008-04-16T20:49:00.000-03:00

My house has been burgled. This morning.
The guy just got into the house and took our brand new tv, our dvd player and our new stereo that played mp3 (we loved it) - that is all mum missed until now "the pc is there" she said (lol). I came to work. Mum went to her office. And my sister went to this travel agency where she is working at just this week. He must have been watching us for some time, I guess. Until last week, my sister was always home, since she is unemployed (almost two months now). Unbelievable. He had to burst the locker and then the front door. The guy from the kitchen gas truck saw there was something wrong, kept watching the house and called the police. They tried to find the car, but he noted down the wrong number.

Too bad. I keep thinking how it is that these people get into someone else's houses to take things. How it is for them to get into other people's intimate lives? I mean, there was dish to be washed, probably some breakfast on the table, there was a dvd inside the player he took, there were probably some clothes of ours on the couch, tweezers (we love them), numbers of telephones around the house, my sister's agenda, probably a book of mine. And they just go there without permission (of course) and saw it all. He would have seen my underwear in the bathroom (hope he hasn't gone into the bathroom), he would have known which shampoo/soap we use, how our towels look like. Man! I am getting a bit mad now. When mum called me and told me this, I said to her "never mind, mum. it's just money, we can buy everything back and make an insurance policy for the house", but I'm feeling a bit more than this now.

Grrrr you are not alone and you are not safe.

To make things a bit weirder, I got a ten in statistics! Is that believable? I study psychology and get my highest grade ever in statistics. Good girl. Maybe I should be doing something else. Bleh!

2008-04-16T12:55:00.000-03:00

So, we have decided that maybe this candy can still taste good. We actually don't know. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. We built kind of a schedule for this. If in one month we decide it tastes badly (even if sometimes it's good), we will "throw it away". If not, good, we can have more of this as long as it is good for both of us.

Some weeks ago, I was in a meeting and there was this video we watched about developing a business team. I clearly remember what the guy in the video said. It was something like "If your team is successful for three or four times, or for a determined period of time, you must change it, because it's prooved business teams tend to decrease their success after some time.

Is it the rule for verything else? Things are good just for some time? When you get everything sussed out and already know the whole process and all the people does it get bad? I don't know. Sometimes I'm afraid it is true, and it's just time to walk away 'cause we are done with that.

I don't know.

Is the sweet and delightful candy getting rotten?

2008-04-11T15:43:00.001-03:00

It just passed through my mind and I decided to write it down:

In the beginning it was something amazing, delicious, I couldn't stop thinking of this and thinking of when I would get more. I just wanted to eat and eat and eat, with full voracity and eagerness. It happened this way all along since I have met this candy (the verb isn't really to meet, it is something else, I created this candy with someone else's help and to eat this candy I totally depend on this person...so, better, it has been like this, with this voracity and hunger, since we have created this candy).

And now that we have been eating this candy greedly, it seems it is becoming rotten, not good anymore. Or maybe it has lost its grace, who knows?

Now I guess the fact is that it was already expected to happen. If you eat something from the same for too long, you will get tired of this or this thing will become deteriorated, mouldy.

It is a bit hard (if that is really what is going on now) to accept I will not eat this anymore. Seriously. There's not a single clue in my mind why I still want this, if it has lost its grace. Maybe I am just used to it. Maybe, somewhere in my mind, I still think this candy is good. I don't know.

All I know now is that it makes me sad. Really sad.

Vygotsky

2008-03-27T12:50:00.000-03:00

Been reading some blogs at lunchtime. Not having any spare time to write my own posts more frequently and to go through all these blogs makes a bit sad. It's kind of a world apart, where people share their real lives kind of a poetic way. I like that. I like to write myself.

But I feel that since I don't know when, all I can do is to complain. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm mad and so on. Laughing isn't part of my writing or isn't common for the ones who read this (there's not many people reading this, but still).

I need to speak up, to speak out. I feel all my stuff is kind of a secret for everybody. No one can know about it all.

I could just write about trivial stuff and maybe it all would turn to be lighter than my complaints. Yes, I guess so.

Nothing comes to my mind right now.

Ok. College stuff.

Right now, I should be analysing the research we have made for a report about Vygotsky. It is something quite interesting. We interviewed four children and played the "Forbiden Colours Game" with them. It has three steps. First, you show several objects and ask them what colours they are, before that you explain there are some colours they can't say and that they can't say a colour they have already said. In the second step, again you show them objects, but now we give them coloured cards in order to help them remembering about the colour. It was very very interesting. A 7-year-old girl put apart the forbiden colours and as she said the colour, she would also put it away so she would know she had already said that one. Seven years-old. We should do this experiment to analyse how the kids would do without any help and how they would do with those coloured cards mediating their memories (helping them remembering the colours). Cool, no?

So, now I should be doing something with that, but I just don't really feel like doing this. I don't really know from where I should start and what kind of graphics I should develop. I know I'll only know that when I start doing it, but I won't do it now. Lol. Duh!

Ok. I enjoyed writing about this Vygotsky's Experiment here. Now I got to get back to work. Bleh!

2008-03-10T10:03:00.001-03:00

So, it is (was, I hope) my week in hell. Been in a very bad mood, yelling at everybody, getting hurt because of anything, crying for no reason, and so on. It has been hard.

I wonder why. Has people become so lousy so suddenly? Are them as cruel as I think they are now? am I so "guiltless" (does it exist?) as I see myself? I don't know. Guess most of this is in me.

Yesterday, I decided just not to care about things anymore. I'll do this and that, work here and there, listen to people if they wanna talk, do my school reports.

I feel a bit like an outcast at home. I have nothing to do with anybody there now. I sleep earlier than everybody and when I wake up everybody is still in bed. I don't see anyone. And when I get home, I am so fucking tired and mad that all I want is some silence so I can sleep fast to "pass thru" everything again the next day. That is how it goes now. I wouldn't mind if people at home didn't mind about me in a bad and in a good way. But they do mind in a bad way. To talk about problems and what I have done wrong and so on. I am still the victim here, I know and that is exactly how I feel now.

I still want to believe I won't mind. There are several school reports to be done. There are several stuff to do at work (what I should be doing now). And that is it. I decided I'll kinda do what I feel like doing now. I'll try to be a bit indiferent to things I shouldnt care about (problems at work, problems at home) and I'll sleep at college if I can't stay awake or if I have a headache. I won't mind.

Now, moving to Pablo's really sounds like running away. I can say "No, it is a very sure decision. I love him". I do love him. But I really wanna get rid of everything. On the other hand, I'm afraid of missing everything I don't want now (if that happens, we will see what can be done then, but just then). Also, I don't think there is anything wrong in changing things that don't seem to be working all right. Unhappy with work, unhappy with the lack of spare time, with the lack of sleep, with the lack of good talking at home. And that's it.

Happy with my throwing up therapy.

2008-02-19T16:25:00.000-03:00

Went through the last post. It is funny. That week he made this surprise of travelling home friday night. We didn't talk much about it - I didn't mentioned it properly because I was afraid he would say I had made too much pressure on him.

I am still too desperate. I get mad when he has fun with other people and I'm not around. And I feel so bad for that.

On the other hand, he said he thought it was time to live together. I don't think it is. I don't know. I don't feel really able to have a life, or to feel as if I had a life far of everything I have here and only near him, as if I would become a really really desperate person. When I think of the future with him, I try to see myself doing lots of stuff...working, having fun, meeting friends, studying a lot because of college, meeting the people from college. But, I don't know. Writing here makes all this stuff looks more possible (and likely) than ever. I'm afraid of leaving the nest that is. I'm afraid there will be no way out if something happens (what happens? And, anyways, I'd be only 100km from home, from "my people").

I enjoy talking to myself. Asking me things. It ensures me I am still not mad and I still can link things in my mind.

I am tired of being here. I don't know what else I should be doing, though. I'd be complaining for sure. Less hours of working would be great. Better wage doesn't seem bad also. What then? I feel a bit trapped. My stuff is all in a mess and I don't feel like putting everything in order (I also can't say whether this sentence of being in a mess is true. Maybe it isn't. It is only that everything is in process. There's nothing really finished. I'm doing things and that's all. I could do them faster, this is surely true. But, what for? I don't know. I see no reason).

Can't anyone find me a job for 4 hours a day (or full time for 3 days in the week)? With which wage I can pay my bills and have some money left? And which I'd really like what I do? It doesn't exist, for god's sake.

The thing is: it kills to listen to all this people asking me stuff ("Eulália, can you check my blablabla" "Eulália, I didn't receive my blablabla" "Dear, have you already checked the blablabla" grrrr do not tell me what to do, I hate it!).

Gosh, too much stuff on mind. I hate feeling trapped. I can't leave here...poor them (...or am I just afraid?).

The Unconcern Process

2008-02-07T16:30:00.000-02:00

We are into it now.

Less calls. Less desperation during weekdays. Mum says we are actually too close to each other, too hungry of each other. Maybe it is true. I guess it is, from my side. I have never really dealt well with not being the center to the one who is the center to me. The most important thing.

And now I'm suffering a bit while I try to let it go.

Friday is his day off. His day off of me. He says he wants "to know" (to remember, to be reminded) how it feels like to be alive (to be single, maybe).

I don't know. From one side I like it. He wants to be sure being with me is better than being on his own. This same sentence sometimes looks cruel to me. And I don't like the idea of being alone either, being aware we are like this because he has chosen it and it was "forced" to happen like this (at least, from my side. i would not make it like this). I have always had difficulties in deciding whether I should do what I feel like or what is probably better than my will, the SHOULD thing. I have always avoided this and I think it made me become a bit unbalaced. It hurts me when I oblige myself to do something I don't want to. And it really hurts me when the other person doesn't act as I expect.

I don't think he is wrong. I know I suffocate other people sometimes. I care, and I think too much, so. Maybe it is time to find the inbetween thing. I guess that's it. It doesn't really makes things better. Haha. I still feel it. A bit set aside. A bit as if he was tired of me. I know it isn't that. But it hurts when I think if this.

2008-01-30T09:30:00.000-02:00

And it happened again.

I don't really know how to act, what to think and what to expect.

I thought maybe writing here would help me out. I am not sure. Writing here just makes me see how confused I am inside, how unsure I am about everything, how unconfident I am about him.

All I wanted to do right now was to become a bit less worried about him, about what he does during the week. I'd like to stop wondering what is it that he is doing while he isn't with me that makes him just "forgets" about me.

I don't even know if it all is true, and if it is, still...what should I do? I'm always so hungry for attention, for careness, for feeling important to the ones I like.

I went straight to the point. It is all about 24h of attention all the 7 days of the week ("how is it that you don't wanna talk to me?" or "Why didn't you call me?"). I am boring, I know. Sometimes I make people get tired of me - but I usually get tired of people (other people) a lot faster than this...no patience at all from my side. So what? Guess it means I'm selfish. Totally. And that I have a very big ego. Maybe I do.

Writing always help, even when I don't believe it will help.

But it is no news I should get less worried about him during the week. I should care about my business and do my own stuff and have fun with my own things. And that is it. It is all I should do, and I'm gonna tell ya, that's all I'm gonna do. Period.

2008-01-10T16:36:00.000-02:00

I have been looking for a meaning. The last few days all that's in my mind is that everything is meaningless. There is no reason to work (besides earning money, and this makes me think a whole worthless system was imposed to the whole world so everybody would be obliged to follow an specific kind of living and be bond to something).

I don't know. I was about to describe all the things that has no meaning to me, but it is also so useless. About working, I even downloaded some worksheets about the meaning of work and so on and it kept me satisfied for a whole, thinking it was worthy to be here every day, but it is gone now. The thing I have in my mind is that we give things the meaning we want to, as if we were making believe or something - now it really makes sense to me. And it feels so meaningless, as if we choose this or that, as if it wasn't something real in fact, all we have to do is to pick things aleatoricly and label them with meaning for this or that. Maybe all I have to do is to CHOOSE a MEANING for everything and I'll feel fine after that. But, for now, it is so fucking hard to find something I really "accept". I am dragging myself day after day, going on without an answer and it makes me feel really really bad.

2007-12-20T10:54:00.001-02:00

Kind of a sad feeling today.

I'm fine. Things are ok at work. I could manage to do everything on time. I think I'm done at uni this semester. I could say things are ok at home too - besides having mum a bit sad for I don't wanna spend Christmas and none of these holidays with her (I would like to skip them all actually...to spend the whole time sleeping or in some kind of trance). But I got this feeling now there is nothing to offer Pablo anymore. As if I had become too uninteresting. As if I had become those old women who cannot make movements anymore. I got this feeling I can't have any good ideas. I can't be fun. I can't be interesting anymore.

I feel like this. I feel I have become those unsalty people who does things only because there is nothing else to do besides doing things, but they don't really mean it.

I don't know what it means.

2007-12-17T12:56:00.001-02:00

I have just decided I'll make a diary of this blog.

Felt liek describing my days...things that happen, thoughts, perceptions. Now my posts are always about how sad and trapped I feel.

Everything that happens to me now is volatile. I forget things too fast, I try not to look to them and I know it doesn't make me any good.

And I'm also tired of talking about things.

Let's start from the begginning. I'm sure it will be shitty for some time, but it will get better as I get used to write like this.

Granny and daddy are away, travelling. They have decided to spend a week away. Sometimes I wonder what is on daddy's mind. Why he acts the way he does and how he bears the way he is, the things he has lived (and how he has lived theses things). I also wonder about granny. I would have already killed myself if I lived like them. Daddy is got a very hard and thick layer of something that protects him of any kind of bad feeling anyone can direct to him. Granny has lost her husband and one son and has lived with dad since then (hes living with her, actually). And they live together! Lol Unbearable. It is funny, anyway, the way they play the make-believe game with me. We could even make everything look green (or any other colour you want) and they would keep on playing this shitty game.

I have an exam tomorrow...hundreds of pages to read. To be done doesn't mean it will be done. Indeed. I'm not worried, anyway. The funny thing about it, about being lazy and doing things fast, without caring too much, is that it works most of the times. Sometimes I reprehend myself for that, but thats not really for me, it's more about how I think I seem to people (lost, careless and fool, most of the time). Why should I care? I live well being like this. ;)

I would laugh at myself if I wasn't this desperate. Today, I'm taking a book to read at home. Its name is "Turn the page - Strategies to solve conflicts" (pour translation, I know, tendency to write things literally). There are too many things I doubt about at this exact moment. Specially about Pablo and I. I am taking anything that helps making things clearer. Seriously. I don't know whether it will work for us to be together or not, but I want to understand things, I at least want to feel like I know what is happenning - most of the times, I don't know.

Writing here will help in this too. I think I have been swallowing things and keeping them here. I do not digest them. Do not speak them up. Do not understand them.

So, plans now are: to read this book; to write here frequently; to talk about things.

It is hard to talk about things because I don't feel comfortable talking about them. Most of them are "secret". People would think I'm crazy for doing the things I do (and for thinking about doing some stuff too).

And that's it now. Writing makes me feel better. I feel better now.

2007-12-11T12:20:00.000-02:00

So, how can you undo something inside yourself?

Today (and yesterday, and last week, and this month) I'm wondering why and when it happened. I've been so into the meaning of things that everything means something and I get hurt because of anything. I want to let things go. I want not to worry about things. I don't wanna feel upset anymore because something someone said and it seemed something.

I don't like it now. I don't want to make things weigh this heavy. And I know it is me who gives them a meaning. I do interpretat things the way I "want".

I am calling a therapist as soon as I finish this post. I feel I can end up ending things I don't want to. I feel upset for things I shouldn't. I care about things I shouldn't.

I wanna let it all go. Or at least see things clearly so I can make a fair judgement about this or that. I feel like I'm blind right now, afraid of being tricked every time something happens.

I don't want this.

2007-12-03T18:16:00.000-02:00

Will it someday disappear? Will this feeling ever leave me so I can feel something different?
I never know how to star a post. It is an awful beginning, I know. There is nothing I can do. And I feel like crying again.

I don't think I can blame this or that for how shitty I feel right, can't even say it's me - and now the post is becoming shitty as well.

The thing is just that I don't feel fine. I haven't been doing anything right lately. Can't fill anyone's expectations. I let people down. I let myself down. I can't do things right at work. And it is actually easy to understand why I feel I am this incompetent. I can't deal with all this stuff. And that's also why I don't like things to be too complex.
It used to take me more time to get something sussed out. Maybe it is a progress - or I am getting worse. So, there isn't really a thing to worry about. Now it is all about doing things (well done) and getting rid of them as soon as possible.

You won't believe that, but now it is even easier to breathe. I can loose myself easily and be mistaken even more easily than that. I was all worried about everything and couldn't see how full of "to do things" I am right now. Feeling better now.

2007-11-19T16:50:00.001-02:00

I get home from work and you're still standing in your dressing gown
Well what am I to do?
I know all the things around your head and what they do to you
What are we coming to?
What are we gonna do?

Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home

The troubled words of a troubled mind I try to understand what is eating you
I try to stay awake but its 58 hours since that I last slept with you
What are we coming to?
I just don't know anymore

Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home

I get on the train and I just stand about now that I don't think of you
I keep falling over I keep passing out when I see a face like you
What am I coming to?
I'm gonna melt down

Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home
This is killing me
This is killing me

("Blackstar" - Radiohead)

2007-11-15T17:27:00.001-02:00

I'm at this exact moment as sad as I could be.

And I'm lost. As lost as I could ever be.

Got to a level where I don't know why I do things anymore. Why I yell to people. Why I cannot sleep well. Why I keep the anger so much time with me now. Why I want to hurt people.

I don't know.

2007-10-30T12:21:00.000-02:00

This morning it caught me as hard as it could and I can't stop crying now. Would it be the affliction Sartre talks about? Fritz's impasse? Both? None? It can be whatever I want it to be, doesn't really matter what it is called. Now I want it to be nothing and just disappear and just make this feeling go away.

It is just that I can't do the things I wouldn't do forever. I wouldn't stay here forever. Actually, if I could really choose I wouldn't stay here even one more day. Can't I choose? I don't know. It is a good job. "Well" paid. Cool people most part of the time. But awful tasks. I hate the whole philosophy of business and managing people and to deal with the law and to spend 10 hours here every damn day. And not to have time to do my school reports, to meet friends, etc. If only it was something cool and it was worth staying here, then I could do it all with pleasure..it isn't like this. Making money isn't the reason why I'm here. Not making money for me and not making money for whom I work. The whole thing is ridiculous if you think why everybody is here (at this company). It is even more ridiculous if you stop to think why we are all here.

It just crossed my mind that I wouldn't feel this uncomfortable if it was a mechanic job and I didn' have to put myself into it, I didn't have to develop stuff, reports, how to do this, how to do that, how to solve this, how to solve that (maybe I am even making myself look too important). I don't like to have to decide things I don't like to think about. The whole thing looks so trivial/insignificant to me, I don't want to be part of it, I don't want to spend more time than I sleep on it. I don't want to make this important to me. I hate it all.

Wow. I threw everything up quite fast, huh?

2007-08-28T17:53:00.000-03:00

I'm the most weird and messy person I know. And the fun about it is that, in spite of being aware of everything that goes on inside of me, most of the time I still feel lost and don't know what to do, and sometimes find it as fun as something could be - like I'm feeling now.

Today I decided I won't fight against any of my movements and feelings - not as new as I'm pretending it to be - and that all the confusion, and the eager, and the fear, and the mess, will take me by the hand whenever they (or me?) feel like - which is kind of paradoxal, in my opinion, cause since u (I) let all this happen, it already becomes organized for itself and "leaves" the chaos.

That's what I have realised today. My life is all messy right now and there are several things to do and theres not enough time for everything, and I was all upset about my job and the things I have being doing here and so on and regreted always doing things all in a hurry and then being idle for the rest of the day.

I made a list of things to do today. A long one. At 4pm there was only one item missing. I told myself to stop and relax a bit. Do other things. Have a convo with someone. Write an email. Eat something. Walk around a bit. Tell myself "Hey! It is enough already! Tomorrow will come!" hehe

And that's it now. I won't try to correct my "habit" of grabbing the "now" and believing it only exists "now" (at the moment it is happening) - good one lol - and being all in a hurry as if it was the end of the world or the "final truth" (a feeling or a state that will forever be what it is now).

Well, guess it is (again) all about letting things be (a cliché, but still...).

2007-08-21T17:06:00.000-03:00

Long time without posting, I know. Maybe I dont even know how to express myself in English anymore, who knows?

I just haven't been writing cause there is nothing to write about. Better, I dont feel like writing about anything lately. Things are happening and changing and so on and there is nothing really interesting to be posted here.

My life is a bit of a mess right now. I'm full of obligations and dont have enough time for them. I owe attention to a lotta ppl and I cant spend much time with them either. I think I'm picturing things worse than they really are - kind of as I always do when I am inside something.

So..how are things? I'm here, at work, with an undefined function (undefined only inside my head, cause I think everybody else knows what i SHOULD do and what I am not doing), spending 10 hours of the 24 hours of a day. Going to college after work. Sleeping around 6 hours per night. And spending the weekends with my bf. Trying to do everything else I used to do during the week on the weekends - therapy, studies, visiting granny, cleaning the house, arguing with mum, sleeping, and so on. And that's what is making me crazy. Time! I need more time! lol I've already imagined several impossible situations to get more time. Couldn't think of any possible situation tho :S

The good thing about it all is that (again) it makes me move, act, change the way things are now. I'm still complaining about it all but I am already feeling better for probs have been (almost completely) solved now. At least in my mind (isn't it what matters? the mind?).

And that's it. Three or two months earlier I could say my life was perfect. Getting on well with everybody, eating fucking fucking well (not trying to balance things with food), sleeping well, being a good mood, understanding myself, etc etc etc. And now I am all upside down again. And I dont learn anything from this. Bleh!

2007-08-03T17:54:00.001-03:00

I have a headache. Those strong ones that last for days (4 now) and makes you think there is something wrong with you - is there? I guess so. Lack of sleep, probably..but "there is something wrong" makes me of something else. Lack of patience. Too much anxiety. Too much eager to please. Eager to get attention.
I let myself down several times lately. I don't blame myself, anyways (!). It kind of was supposed to happen...new situations, new directions, new reactions. That was "expected", wasn't it? (I'm trying to tell myself it was). Nah. I got it already. I'm in the "let's analise the situation, put everything apart, organise it again and do something" part. The "getting out of the mess" part.

It was productive yesterday at the therapy. It is always, actually, but sometimes many things happen all at the same time and I get all excited about doing something. Realised I have been acting just like daddy does at home (and mum had told me this already, not in the same context, but still). Doing things to others and then forcing them to give me something back. And if they dont give what I want, I would just mention everything I have already done for them. Just like daddy (and I've was complained about it! I could never give him something good enough back for all the "favours" he has done for me). Ridiculous. And that (was being) me.

I also got fucking afraid of loosing things this week. A very irrational, strong and desperate feeling. Also ridiculous. In a few words, if things are good right now, there ain't no lame excuse to turn the future scary. And then, anyways, if something happens, I ain't glued to no one (i dont like to talk like this, as if i didnt care...), being a bit dramatic, I won't die if something happens.

That's all I have time for now. Time to leave.

2007-06-26T10:20:00.001-03:00

Had a tough day yesterday. Concerns about money (its lack) made me feel upset and brought many "unfinished situations" to the surface. The way I feel trapped in here. The way I threat the deary ones so that I don't hurt them (and so that I don't let them down and get myself hurt). The way I protect ppl and bring pain to myself.

My period must be on its way. Yesterday, everything was sad (and it still is, it brought tears to my eyes now). I realised I dont really care about the lack of money..I dont care I'm broken. Money comes and money goes, u earn it and u spend it. What makes me feel down are the things this lack of money brings. As if they had always been there and this situation came to make them stronger, clearer, noticeable. My back hurts. It really bothers me. I've done everything I could to make this pain go away..stretched myself, took some medicine, had a massage, tried everything. And it is still here. Yesterday, in a "high time" at therapy, talking about it all, I said "I am becoming crooked again". I said that to myself, just like when u think out loud. The therapist said "See? Why u think u have this strong pain in ur back?". And I just hate to feel all this this strong and to know that it even becomes psychosomatic - it isnt the first and probably wont be the last time it happens.

The good thing about it all is that I hate to feel bad and I will manage to make things look better again. That makes me feel a bit more comfy and less worried about things.

But why is everything so sad? When I got at granny's yesterday, she told she had gone into old letters from the ones who had already passed away - my uncle and my grandfather. She said she had cried all night long the night before. I wanted her to share this with me and asked her to show me the letters. She blames dad for most of the bad things that happened to her, for loosing my uncle the way she did. As if he had taken away the ones she loved. My theory about dad is that he has built a very very hard armour around him and he just attacks everyone strongly so he doesnt get hurt. In one of these letters, my uncle (who died from leukaemia after having cancer in some other parts of his body and being under threatment for more than ten years) complained about dad. They were partners in a business or something and they had an argument, he wrote this more than ten years ago. My uncle said my father should look for medical assistance, a psychologist or a psychiatrist, because he probably had some kind of mental illness. My father replied any mental illness wasn't as bad as a cancer. Not to quote many of the sharp comments he has done his whole life.

I dont know if it only hits me this hard, but I hate all kind of illness which you are not really guilty for and which makes u suffer too much, which you know u probably wont heal, dont matter how eager and willing you are for that. I hate them strongly. And I always think it was God's worst mistake (yes, I think of God when I think of these diseases) to "invent" aids and cancer and to make ppl suffer as they do and to make the ones around them suffer a lot too. It is just too much pain. Too much.

So, daddy doesnt measure what he says. He is sharp. He hurts ppl. At the same time I have in my mind that he is like this because of this armour, which must have been built after something very bad he couldnt deal with. So, poor him. It makes things become even sadder for he hurts ppl when he thinks he is being hurt - i mean, im not sure he is aware of what he causes to ppl and it hurts me even more. What about my uncle? What about granny? What about my grandfather? I dont know what I wanna say with it all. It is just that there is too much sadness in this whole story. And I am taken to pieces every time I think of this.

It's a God awful small affair
To the girl with the mousey hair,
But her mummy is yelling, "No!"
And her daddy has told her to go,
But her friend is no where to be seen.
Now she walks through her sunken dream
To the seats with the clearest view
And she's hooked to the silver screen,
But the film is sadd'ning bore
For she's lived it ten times or more.
She could spit in the eyes of fools
As they ask her to focus on

Sailors
Fighting in the dance hall.
Oh man!
Look at those cavemen go.
It's the freakiest show.
Take a look at the lawman
Beating up the wrong guy.
Oh man!
Wonder if he'll ever know
He's in the best selling show.
Is there life on Mars?

It's on America's tortured brow
That Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow.
Now the workers have struck for fame
'Cause Lennon's on sale again.
See the mice in their million hordes
From Ibeza to the Norfolk Broads.
Rule Britannia is out of bounds
To my mother, my dog, and clowns,
But the film is a sadd'ning bore
'Cause I wrote it ten times or more.
It's about to be writ again
As I ask you to focus on

(Life On Mars - David Bowie)

2007-06-05T07:39:00.000-03:00

Everything tfeels all right for an acceptable period of time and then, all of a sudden, things wouldn't be worse. I have the feeling that the more you talk about things, the worst they get. And, again, I hate it.

Why would something like that bothers me so much? Why, for god's sake? Does every single body have a past and memories that always seem stronger than me? "It's cause you're not confident about urself", you will say. Hell, I know I'm not and I hate living things fearing one day the past will come and sweep me from ur life. It hurts (even though things are probably only in my mind). And it makes me feel like not liking u, because it's not worth to have something something good and get something really bad after some time. I don't want anyone to kick my ass and yes, I'm fucking afraid of being dumped. Really. I mean it. For some "meaningless" reason, I feel all that right now. And I hate your past and the memories (they look like scars) it has left on u.

2007-05-09T21:03:00.000-03:00

At granny's.

I've just cleaned everything up. Granny's away at daddy's hostel in northeast and I decided to come here to spend some time alone.

Each time more I feel like I know myself more and more but that I understand myself/my life/the world each time less. Sometimes I am surrounded by the ones I like and I have a lotta fun and I feel really fine and I think "oh! Now I know how to live..now I'm being happy". And in the same day I get some time by myself and it is all depressing again.

The point is that I can't understand why. I thought and thought and thought more and I realised that, maybe, even in "living" I want results to be fully 100%, every time, all the time. And that's what explains better and what makes more sense to me right now.

This week at work, I've moved to a new desk. A new place (comfy, I won't deny), but where I mostly don't get in touch with anyone at work (unless me or them really wanna talk to each other). I used to be (until Tuesday) very close to everybody there. There used to be a chair in front of my desk so people would sit and talk. I wouldn't be lying if I said that's probably what matters more to me at work. The ppl. Their warmth. Their friendship. The contact itself. And it was gone all at once. That's life, I'll tell myself. And I know that. And it made me feel upset, anyways. Today, in the morning, I got to the conclusion (I get to several different conclusions several times a day) I didn't like being at the human resources department. Too burocratic to me. I am giving my best and still feel it isn't good enough (I say that to myself, no one told me that) and it has being hard and now I don't have anything else but the boring human resources department (no ppl, no talks, no coffees. Nothing. I was alone in the world). Continued working and decided to finish all my "open situations" there. At the end of the day I had most of them finished indeed and realised (as well) the world isn't as bad as it seems. Left work with a friend of mine, we had a very good snack and she dropped me home. And now I am here. Phoned granny (whom I miss a lot), made everything clean here, took a shower and now I'm here. I felt pleasure in working in the afternoon. I felt pleasure while having the snack wth my friend. I felt fine cleaning it all here (mental note *I should think a bit more about this strange thing of getting pleasure by cleaning things up*). And now I'm still feeling fine. And that's it.

Sometimes (most of them) it isn't easy to see it, but now I see I should be a bit more patient to myself. I should be able to wait a bit (whatever I am waiting for). I should be able to accept my feelings and thoughts can change sixty times per minute and accept them whatever they are.

And now I feel as if I had done my homework (with pleasure lol). And I'll sleep happy.

2007-05-06T16:31:00.000-03:00

(hand-written this morning, after waking up with an awful headache.)

Rotten, tired, not willing to do anything but reading, sleeping and (sometimes) eating. This weekend I've become the laziest Eulália ever.

And I still don't know what goes on. I mean, there is nothing bad going on. Work is "working" really great lately, and, at home, we are all getting on well with each other. What is it then?

I'm starting to get used to my "fast thinking" in building up theories about my weird behaviour. What came to my mind now is that maybe I am somehow forcing myself to be someone/something at work, and when weekend comes, I just don't feel like being anything, like doing anything. I'm not sure if it makes sense. Maube, at work, I'm obliged to do things (to solve problems, face situations..to "widely" act) - that must be it, 'cause now it brought tears to my eyes. And when I'm at home, I don't wanna do anything. I don't wanna act, I don't wanna solve problems, I don't wanna discuss anything, I don't wanna give any energy for anything. Like a "self-defense" or whatever you can call this.

Looks like we need some balance here - and that my "inner" self knows it better than anyone.

I know maybe everything I wrote here isn't even true, that maybe I only wrote this so I could understand it and get to a conclusion (it kills me when there is something bothering me and I can't understand it, find a solution for it..when I can't do anything to change it).

Now it also came to my mind that being on the internet, reading books (someone else's story) and sleeping are very nice ways to "escape". Very nice ways "not to be here".

I understand it now.

Whatever happens/happened to me, I will find a way to explain myself what it is and it will bother me till I find an explanation. I am actually questioning this "new theory" a bit. But what are those things (everything, the part that bothers and the part that explains), but parts of myself? I won't care, anyways. I feel better now and that what matters to me (I don't feel as I'm being tricked anyways)

After writing in the morning, I put my bikini on and went to the backyard. Spent a good time there doing my nails and listening to music. I had a good time. I'm still lazy and I still don't feel like doing anything in the house or any kind of work. I'll let it be. I'll go back to my book (almost done with it) and then I'll probably watch Amélie Poulain again (for the 7th time, maybe lol).

2007-05-03T12:07:00.000-03:00

So...

Many things to be written lately. There is nothing on my mind and all of a sudden lots of stuff come.

I'll start things right now and if I dont do it all at once, I'll continue later.

First of all, this new Russian friend of mine. His name's Andrey (is it right?) and he has gone thru my blog and decided to start posting in his own blog (http://dmxmen.blogspot.com/ - to understand what im talking about, u'd better read his posts). The thing I liked about it is that he caught the blogging idea just the way I do to myself. It is indeed, kind of a diary, and it helps me a lot to make thoughts clearer and to say watever I wanna say when there is no one to listen to me. It's true, I think sometimes, we cannot write about everything, since it could hurt somebody or give away a big secret or something.

That's kind of my idea of blogging about myself, about the things I like, about what happen in and out of myself and so on.

In your former, post, Andrew, you mentioned you some times wonder what life is all about and u say u sometimes imagine it is a game and u gotta play well and so on. Well, in my opinion, thats something impossible to answer. Guess sometimes u oughta just find a way to understand it and believe in something and go on with things. Currently, I'm trying to get as much pleasure as I can of things - with people, with food, with arts, with sleeping, with being on my own, with work, with everything - and I am enjoying it. Of course, my world doesn't turn around pleasure...I go thru the principle everything can be done in a pleasant way.

I have no religion and I dont believe in many things, so, to assume that I am responsible for myself (what I feel and what I do) makes a lotta difference here, in my opinion.

2007-04-29T21:51:00.000-03:00

A febre de um sábado azul
E um domingo sem tristezas
Te esquiva do teu próprio coração
E destrói tuas certezas
E em tua voz só um pálido adeus
E o relógio no teu punho marcou as três
O sonho de um céu e de um mar
E de uma vida perigosa
Trocando o amargo pelo mel
E as cinzas pelas rosas
Te faz bem tanto quanto mal
Faz odiar tanto quanto querer demais
Você trocou de tempo e de amor
De música e de idéias
Também trocou de sexo e de Deus
De cor e de bandeiras
Mas em si nada vai mudar
E um sensual abandono virá, e o fim
Então levanta o cano outra vez
E aperta contra a testa
E fecha os olhos e vê
Um céu de primavera
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Folhas mortas que caem
Sempre igual
Os que não podem mais se vão

(Viernes 3 AM - Paralamas do Sucesso)

2007-04-27T20:04:00.000-03:00

It has been raining the whole day today. Makes me feel comfortable. Feel like being in a tight, soft and warm place, far from everything else (an uterus?).

It reminded me of children's beliefs. I'm collectiong them now. Already have three (ohhhhh). The first one is from a play I watched last month "O que você foi quando criança?". The sad clown, when a child, used to think he was Jesus reincarnated and thought that his mother wouldn't tell him that 'cause she was afraid of losing him. The second one I read on postsecret.blogspot.com. The person wrote when he was a child, by looking at old black and white photographs, thought the world used to be like this. Then someone answered his postcard saying he believed that too and that was the reason why he became a photographer, so he would keep seeing the world black and white. The third one is mine (and that is mainly why i like these children secrets so much). I used to think I would never get my period - be able to become a mother. I believed that that was a punishment of God or something. I just didn't deserve it and it wouldn't happen to me. Although I'm not still a mother, my period came and I feel a bit more confident about myself.

I've always had this thing about this belief in my mind, but had never talked about it with anyone. It was just something normal to have this with me. And I told this to my psychologist some weeks ago. I really didnt expect it would bring so much stuff that was inside me and i didnt know. It hurt. Not like something I would regret, I just hadn't thought it was still so strong inside me. It was weird.

I am happy about myself lately. Doing the things I feel like doing and speaking about things that come to my mind. Less afraid of saying what i think and what others will think about it. More confident about telling ppl to stay with their stuff and me with mine. Easy.

2007-04-15T10:15:00.000-03:00

I went out yesterday with some friends (two girls). Decided I ain't gonna try to fit anymore (huh?). I don't fit and that's all. At least I don't fit in their group, in their matter, in their way of talking, in their "very important issues". I can't lie, I had fun, but it wasn't like going to the movies or to the theater or to a concert. The thing isn't even about pubs. It's about them. I don't care who is catching who and who is a bitch or not. I don't care if I don't know one third of the ppl I do (not worth to know them, anyway).

I'll go thru the whole night.

First, we went to this pub they never got in. It is hard to get in cause it is always full, and they smoke, so, smoking area for them (as im with them, for me too). It was quite boring there, no music, no one interesting and so on. We drank a beer and left. Then we decided to go somewhere else (a disco for me would have been ok - no talking, only dancing and flerting with whoever u want to). And we went to like 5 pubs before deciding on one. Ok. Things weren't bad. I was having fun. After some beers I already had my stomach complaining (it gets bad before I get really drunk). But it just bothers me that there is nothing to talk about, all they do is to talk about ppl and girls and who is having sex with whom. And then all of a sudden I made a comment. This girl was talking about relationships, that they don't work and so on, and she mentioned God (something like, it is his will or a left it for Him to decide). I said "dont put God in the middle of this kind of stuff". And then a whole argument started. We were about to leave and spent three hours more talking about it. Then some guys went to our table and we started talking. Ok. Then one started flerting in a quite ridiculous way. I didnt find him cute and didnt like his smell (haha, yes, im picky about smells) and found a way not to kiss him. Started talking to other guys and then in all of a sudden, one of my friends was kissing him. Lol. It was funny anyways. Then we left.

When I write things like this they don't look bad. But I didnt feel comfy, anyways. And I know it isn't that I dont know how to have fun, or how to talk, and for a long time it was important to me, "to be in" and so on. And now I dont give a shit. I'll stick to my movies, to my books, to my plays, to my saraus and it is ok.

I had a lot more stuff to write here, but for now, it is already enough.

2007-04-08T17:58:00.000-03:00

17h22 - Sunday

It is funny (and weird, and sad) how Sundays are usually boring to me. Specially when nothing happened on the night before it. Specially when I was waiting something to happen. I kind of grabbed the only hope I had to have something and went to sleep on Friday thinking of it and spent the whole Saturday getting ready for it and then it didn’t happen. I am master in setting-up dates that don’t happen. Or I am master in meeting guys that ask me out but in the end don’t show up.

Wouldn’t be such a big deal if my life turned around something bigger, but nowadays it does not. And there are not many guys who asks me out seriously – even the ones I thought did probably don’t :/

And it is something that really makes me feel upset. I get all anxious about things, thinking about it and preparing myself for it and then it doesn’t happen. I know it is kind of my fault and if it bothers me I should find a way to change it. That’s what I intend to do and what I am TRYING to do. The thing is: I kind feel trapped here. As if it was hard to move or something. The same ppl, the same places, the same kind of conversation. And then I think maybe all this prejudice helps me staying here without moving my fat ass and look for something, cause all I’m gonna find is crap. And it is not true. I feel it is hard to move, hard to go to places, hard to call ppl, hard to do everything. And then I think maybe it is in this city, been here for so long, know so many places, so many impressions. No way to move now, anyways. I think I should leave my house. There is even a project for that. In July I intend to rent an apartment with a friend, then I think things will be better. I’ll be able to “breath” better, feel more free and so on. Dunno what to do meanwhile tho. Waiting is something hard to me. Fucking hard. I wanna feel better now. I wanna feel alive now. And the thing isn’t even only about guys. Realized I don’t have many friends and I lost one or another I had. No one calls me at night asking what I am gonna do cause theres something cool I dunno where. The thing is also that I practically don’t do anything besides working. No regular school. No arts school. No language school. No where I can meet ppl and make contact with them. Thinking this way, I could say Im successful with ppl at work, cause we are always doing sumthing together. Not enough tho. I don’t think so.

Maybe I should pick up something among all the stuff I think I should do and do. Just do it. I keep on thinking there are so many things I wanted to do/buy/have and I don’t do anything cause it is hard to choose. What the fuck! Choose something and do it. It is simple. I’ll do that. I feel like doing it anyways. Sitting a bit and calculating my stuff and planning. And ACTING.

Lucky everybody that I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow. Ppl (and I) would go crazy with all my craziness and this fright of being alone and feeling the way I do. Lucky everybody.

2007-04-02T13:03:00.000-03:00

This feeling of being afraid things wont work cause I'm not being good at all comes again. And it happens everywhere every time. Especially here, at work. If there is one single mistake, one sigle thing wrong, then I feel I'm not capable for anything else. And I feel like running away. I feel I have screwed everything up and I have to leave cause there is no way to face ppl around me. I am gonna let them down. They won't like me. They will think I'm not good enough, not smart enough.

<p>

And then I feel like restabilishing the former mood, trying to find a way to make them like me again. And this is how I live since I know myself. I make ppl like me. I make them proud of me and I need to keep it like this, cause there is this eager to feel someone approoves me.

<p>

And you know what? I hate this. I hate being this weak. I hate to need ppl. I hate to need them to like me.

<p>

I would like to find a way to do things just cause I need to do them. It's my job, I am supposed to do things - because it is my job, not cause I need them to think I'm good. And then I wonder how the affective part would be. How would I make it work without this, which ways would I find to fill this need.

2007-04-01T15:37:00.000-03:00

"You know the world is made for men. Not us."

2007-04-01T10:37:00.000-03:00

Was awaken by the noisy "open mass" for Domingo de Ramos this morning. I was all angry about it and so on. Was even a bit funny. It is not fair that ppl can't sleep until late on Sundays 'cause some wake up to pray. And there is MORE. I live in front of a church and they are noisy - maybe I'd better move. Mum is making choco eggs for easter - she's got loads of orders and I kept helping her. Poor her cause then she needs to listen to my bullshit hehe. Now, sometimes I started laughing for no apparent reason and after some time i tell her what it was about. This morning it happened twice. First one cause I was thinking that this ppl who wants to go to the church in the morning shouldnt disturb the ones who wants to sleep, and that then church should be equipped just like those interactive museums (can't remember which one in São Paulo is like this): with those sound systems with headphones. With adjustable volume. Lol. Can you imagine them sitting at the church with those headphones? Thats why I laughed. Mum didnt like the idea. I can't remember what the second lousy joke was about, but it was funny anyways.

Been too much inside of me again. Almost the whole week - even when i was with someone else. Went to the movies and went to watch a play, and was more inside of me than outside. Cried at both - have u ever cried watching a play? It was weird. I could see ppl were chocked just like I was and that they found it sad just like i did. And I'm reading a book. Weird one. The story about a weird psicanalist that kind of doesn't believe in anything, he says love doesn't exist, that we spend our whole life eager to feel it, looking for it, but that it doesnt exist. And the he meets a boy and a girl and he see love in them and he feels he loves them. But then ppl can't stand them together, cause it is as if it was kind of wrong cause no one can feel the same. That's where I am now..almost finishing it. I think I probably lost some important points, cause it was very pleasant reading it and I kind of swallowed the pages without chewing them - anxious even about reading. And that is it.

The thing is => I am highly influenced about the things I see and read. I feel them. And it all made me think that "normal ppl" are numb. That everything turned up into a "tidy and organized" way so it (we) can controlled, but that there is no right way to think or to feel. But they try to set up a standard for that and everyting that is out of it is wrong/crazy/not important. And I think that maybe thats way I've been feeling so touched about things lately. I'm a bit more into feeling, actually. Maybe I've always been. But thought I was wrong/crazy/silly for thinking like this. Now it's been easier to put then into the outside. I say things. I do things. I do whatever I feel like doing (ok, sometimes i still dont). Crazy? Maybe. The way I like, anyways.

But sometimes, when I'm too into myself, I am afraid of going crazy, seriously. Read something about "painting" the sphinx without decipher it and got swallowed by it. Thought that thats just what I am afraid of. Going too near of madness or something. Altho I dunno if it is possible. I dont know if anything is possible 'cause I dont know much about anything.

And at this play I went to, there was the "invisible woman" (the one who no one notices, actually) and she was married to the sad clown. And I thought that maybe they weren't happy, as the play showed no couple there was. And it made me try to remember if there I knew of any couple who was happy. And I didn't find anyone. I did find, one, actually, but, I dunno, i dont think they count. Why ppl complain about each other? Why the ones who are with someone always think there is someone better outside? Why most of ppl think there are ideal ppl before being with them and then, when with them, its not that magic anymore?

I have no one, it is true. And I'm still in love. Waiting. And so what? Guess when he is back i aint gonna think/feel the same way I do now. It was so fast, so magic, so good. And I dont think it is going to happen again. And then, what to do?

As I said, things influnce a lot the way I feel - and I dont think it is bad, but that makes me a bit confused and lost most of the times - or maybe that's just my period.

2007-03-18T09:28:00.000-03:00

Rainy Sunday morning. Comfy Sunday morning. Calm Sunday morning.

This weather makes me feel fine. It's a bit cold and has been raining the whole time. It makes me feel kinda closer to myself..quite hard to explain.

Anyways, I've been to the therapist Friday and it is almost funny how things are happening now. Me with the weekly report (yes, I have an awful and mechanic way to tell her what I've done during the week) and she kind of greeted me for the way things happened. This Friday, she said I was acting more than ever like someone young, that I used to be too mature with things, too intransigent, too full of rules.

To me, acting "youngly" or not doesn't make much difference, since it's just a way to label it. I would say I feel "lighter", "easier", "mais solta" (in portuguese). And what makes me feel like that? Well, I have been really doing what I wanna do. I am usually afraid of boring ppl with my thoughts and words. Like, this week I found something in a magazine I thought my boss would like to see. I wasnt sure if I should take him the mag or not, sometimes he's just in a bad mood and we'd better dont do anything. But I showed him the magazine. He read it. Liked it. Glanced through the magazine and then picked up another magazine and showed me something about the same subject (kind of). We spent more than half an hour there. It made me feel better. Closer to him. And I know it made him feel better as well. It's an awful example, I know. But I had "to dare" to do this. It depended on me. If I had decided not to show anything, no one would have ever thought of this. There are more two or three examples of stuff that happened during the week and which (probably) would not have happened if I hadn't acted like I felt like.

Something else that I am aware has changed in me is how to deal with unexpected stuff. When something planned doesn't happen the way you expected. There are two options: you can get mad at it (it = life, God, destiny) or you can try to find something cool to do. This week I was into the second option. One example (I am full of examples today!): On Wednesday I was about to attend "sewing" classes after work. I went there with a girl that works with me and lives near the Art School. We got there and there were a few people talking on a table. They said they were waiting for the teacher (we got there late, they were already waiting for the teacher for at least 1 hour). We went to get some info about it and they said this class didn't have a teacher yet. We should call them next week and check if we were able to attend class then. Ok. I was anxious about it, but there wasn't much to be done then. This friend and I went to the supermarket and bought some stuff to eat (pizza, peaches, milk, etc) and I slept in her house. And it was cool. We had a good time there.

I mean, I know this ain't gonna be like this forever and I'll probably get mad with one thing or another and I'll probably be afraid of doing this or that thing. But I am happy with all this.

One thing that maybe isn't really a problem, is that I think I don't really know when I am bothering somebody or not. I actually do, I know I am not bothering anyone, but deep inside I am afraid I am. Haha funny one. But that's true. I kind of loose my sense of judgement and stop acting. At therapy we went through this and I realised I don't loose my sense of judgement, but I am so afraid of letting ppl down or that they "stop to like me" that I get kind of lost.

That is it for today.

Hey, man! Slow down, slow down...

2007-03-13T12:15:00.000-03:00

Cancer
June 21 - July 21

You are speeding along in your vehicle and suddenly there is a huge ramp in front of you, dear Cancer. You have the choice of avoiding the ramp, staying on the ground where you know that it is safe and clear, and being content with a very limited view of the world. Another choice, however, is to hit that ramp head-on and let it send you soaring up over the trees and beyond. Who knows where you might land? There is an incredible adventure waiting for you when you take that leap into the unknown.

2007-03-12T21:41:00.000-03:00

Just replied an e-mail I got from a friend this afternoon.

Yesterday we met to have some ice cream with some more people. I felt myself quite "far" rom her. We had an argument some time ago (more then 4 months, I would say) cause we disagreed on paying some beers in a pub, and since then we haven't really talked again. This Sunday, i phoned her and talked a bit and I told her I was gonna have some ice cream and some time later she showed up at the same place I was. Nothing but having the ice cream happened there. Didnt talk about "worth" things (ya know those "neutral/safe" topics? Weather, work, school, etc). And i left thinking I had already loosen her - like not having her as someone I could care about and vice versa).

And today she wrote me a weird e-mail. She said, among other things, that there were advantages for me to me at home and being happy about it (I dont remember telling her that) - she kind of has problems with beer and guys ad is kind of addicted on going out. Haha, she asked if she could take my life for a month and I take hers.

Anyways, it made me think. Dunno where she got to this thought that I am happy and so on. The fact is that, yes, I can deal with my stuff in a satisfying way. I can tell ppl what i want, what I dont like, make things happen the way I want and so on. Maybe I should feel fine about all this. But I still feel there's something missing. That excitment. Butterflies on my belly. That thing u feel when u put ur head on ur pillow and you that good sensation of thinking of something good comes, or that anxiety about tomorrow. I dont feel none of these, apart of some very spare days (once a month?), and when it happens, I think I grab on them so hard so I keep on feeling this, cause I dont want them to go away (just like in that movie "Perfume" where the guy wants to keep the smell of the souls bottled) and they leave even faster than they should. But, back to the point, the thing is "yes, everything is ok now" and so what? I mean, I dont want "ok", I want more than ok. I wanna feel excited, I want the butterflies on my belly.

And that's it. No, I don't feel happy. Yes, I feel ok. And, well, I think I'm in love.

2007-03-11T18:02:00.000-03:00

Tu tens um medo:
Acabar.
Não vês que acabas todo o dia.
Que morres no amor.
Na tristeza.
Na dúvida.
No desejo.
Que te renovas todo o dia.
No amor.
Na tristeza.
Na dúvida.
No desejo.
Que és sempre outro.
Que és sempre o mesmo.
Que morrerás por idades imensas.
Até não teres medo de morrer.

E então serás eterno.

(Cecília Meireles)

2007-03-10T16:23:00.000-03:00

I was trying to connect MSN messenger this afternoon (I am still trying actually), and I get an error msg saying something about the DNS server. No idea what it is. The weird thing is that some sites work normally and some dont. I can read anything at blogspot.com, I can log in on Orkut.com and go everywhere inside it, but no MSN page works and it can't find sitemeter either. Too bad. An oportunity to make myself do something but what I wanted to.

Things are quite good. At therapy, talked about the same subject I wrote about in my former post and the therapist didn't quite agree to me - it was a crazy appointment, by the way...I got there late, and my thoughts and our conversation came all messed up, but it worked really well - she thinks I should not just try to numb myself, I should let it flow. Kind of, if I'm excited and afraid about something, I got to just let myself feel like this. I kept on disagreeing, cause, man, I hate feeling like that..not being able to sleep and having headaches. And I dont think Im not letting things flow when I'm aware about what is happening but I don't like it and I know it doesn't make me feel comfy abut things. And it worked, actually. Slept well this whole week. Almost finished the work that was making myself anxious. I kind of managed everything to go down well. Besides that, there are some not so cool nor exciting stuff which I'm responsible for now, and it's ok too. I can handle it.

And u know what? I hate to keep on talking about work and how i feel and so on and the fact that currently it is one of the most important things in my life disturbs me a lot, it really does - on the other hand it kind of only depends only to change anything about it... I refused two invitations from my sister to go out with her - yesterday and today). But I did it cause I'm not really into what she was going to do (to a disco with a friend and his bf yesterday and to a forró thing tonight..the disco probably could have been ok, but still I am fine like this).

And I guess that what I keep on trying to do in all my posts (at least most of them) is to convince myself it is ok, that the things I am doing and the way I am living is right and so on..'cause I am always unsure when it is 100%, and if it is lower than 99% it is already not complete. And I don't like it. To measure and to get a conclusion. To hell with a conclusion. To hell with measurements. What the fuck, Eulália. If you think it is ok, then it is ok. Period. If you don't wanna go somwehere or do something for a couple of reasons, then it is ok. Period. There is this need of analizing and measuring and grrrrrr. Don't do this.

Hahahaaha. Caught me! After writing this last sentence I thought "Well, at least this post was useful for something" (= analizing and concluding).

Grrrrrrrrrr

2007-03-02T22:10:00.001-03:00

01/03 23:37

Sometimes I can't sleep. It has been happening more often lately. Maybe 'cause of things at work. Not that there's anything bad there. It's just that I'm afraid I won't be able to make everything go well. Afraid there's not enough memory inside this messy head of mine. Afraid I'll get all confused/dizzy/lost and won't be able to "communicate" with other people, to show my point of view, to make them see the thing really like I want them to. There are too many things and I'm afraid I won't be able to hand it all. On the other hand, I have "accepted" the challenge. And I am willing to be successful.

Now it isn't even about being approved or being proud of anything. I don't really see and I didn't really get it all as something going this way. And it surprises me. At least at this right moment, it's all about doing things, it's all about moving on, it's all about becoming better (in experience - personally and professionally) and about living and seeing things happening.

Now that I was trying to sleep, I was thinking about the things that are probably gonna happen tomorrow, about how tough I will have to be, about how many things I'll have to think about, about how many decisions I'll have to make and so on. And it came to my mind how many times I have already gone to bed feeling there's this thing of being afraid of failing. It's still very strong in me. But then I think that this fright made myself do a lot of things I probably would not be able to do if it had happened another way. Maybe it's all about learning to deal with this fright and with this tension, 'cause in the end, it is a very very strong (good or bad) characterist of me.

No, I'm not the most important person in my job. No, it's not something that hard to be sone. But it all depends on me, so, yes, it is important.

Besides that, I have been feeling a bit touchy lately. Now I spend less time and talk less with the people I was used to. And I am feeling (and I know they're feeling it too) their absence (or mine), this lack of contact. It's even quite funny. People say my name out loud when I get there... and they greet me with kisses on the cheek or with a hug (or both hehe). I like it and I miss them too. And sometimes I think I'm gonna fall to pieces feeling this feeling. Like a good and intense sad thing. As I couldn't live if it didn't exist. I mean it. I usually say we are here, living, forever, 'cause NOW is kind of FOREVER (now LASTS forever), and it doesn't matter how old we get, how many years pass by, we are always going to be we. And now is always going to be now. And I want the good feelings and the good things (impressions, objects, smells, memories) to last forever. And while they are happening, it is like the best thing ever. Now I try to feel as much as I can, do and say whatever I want when the "good feeling" moment is on, 'cause I know it's going to be over very soon, and then I'll spend sometime thinking of it, delighting myself as if I had eaten something very very good and then later I'll be sorry it is over and I'll want it again and again, and I'll be frustrated 'cause it's not possible. Not now, not with this urgency, not as if I was going to die if I didn't have it. In the end, I just stay with my frustration for some time and get over it after some more time.

I think I'm in love.

All in all, I am happy. I'm just a bit blue and touchy and "full of love" when I think about the "now" thing, when I think of the fact that one day granny will leave me. Even mum and dad will be gone one day. I'll leave the people I work with one day. My dog (he suffers from lack of attention) will die one day (lol, it brings tears to my eyes).

But in the end, this is how things are meant to be. They got to change, they got to come and go. There's no other way to be.

How would things happen if it wasn't like this?

"Happiness is letting all the happenings happen"

2007-02-23T19:58:00.000-02:00

One day is like the end of the world and the next is like "oh! It was just the 'before period' thing". Ufff. It worked, at least. I became as furious as I dont know what. But the way I deal with this was different this time. Instead of staying quiet on my own and absorb all the energy and range, I just sort of barked at everyone and tried to solve the things that weren't ok. But solving them in a little bit less frightened way. I am usually afraid of everything, think a lot before talking to someone, try to arrange everything so I "know" about everything and so on. This time my worry was to be sure that person to whom I was reporting the problem receives the problem (like "hey, can u see it? it isnt making me feel fine, would u just plz do sumthin to change it?" - lousy example). And it kind of worked.

I say that now, of course. It's already friday night, the bad day was yesterday, I'm already home, fed and I'm feeling fine.

Well, I'm kind of tired of these "high and lows" but thats just the way things (me) are (is) happening now, and I dont really care about anything besides this. I actually dont think i even care about the high and lows, its just almost unberable to be in such a thing.

Caught

2007-02-21T20:04:00.000-02:00

Just got back from my weekly visit to the therapist. Weird, but it seems I got into a "calm" and "flowing" phase now. At least there, by my reports, I am doing great. Well, I am doing everything right , actually. Dealing well with stuff. Dealing well with my family, a lot better with granny, my brother and mum (daddy doesnt count cause we havent talked to each other lately). Letting ppl "get" into my life or at least letting them interacte (*does this word exist?) with me (better, me interacte with them). And takin life easily. And eating well. And sleepin well. Sometimes being afraid of stuff (e.g. things at work or how ill manage to buy and do everythin i want). Sometimes feelin a bit sad. I know i have just started feeling this fine, things r doin good now and so on, but I'm wondering where the excitment of life is, cause i havent found it yet. I know it is a quite desperate and early doubt, but still. I feel exactly the same way i felt when i was around 15 y-o and I lost a lot of weight and was all happy about it. I was like "What do I do now?". At that time, it was one of the most important things in my life - to be fit, to LOOK fit. And when I reached the aim, there was nothin else to do. I guess I should have felt delighted and wor all the clothes i didnt dare to wear cause i thought i didnt look fine. Later on I understood it shouldnt have worked like this, that I oughta do sumthin with the triumph, cause that was the intention while working hard on this. Guess now it is the same thing. Hey, girl! U got wat u wanted. U have things how u wanted them to be. I think the point is that I probably thought i would somehow feel different. And I'm exactly the same. Easier to deal and so on, but the same. What to do then? It is hard for me live. To feel fine about things. To feel happy. This usually happens only for a few minutes. I dont know what to do.

And i dont like feeling like this. Guilty cause Im ungrateful with myself (hahaha good one). I am anxious about everythin. That's it. I can't wait for things to happen. And when they dont happen or they take longer then i can wait, pffff, I go crazy.

Shit! This time i got nowhere...

2007-02-18T09:24:00.000-02:00

I’ve just written here the post I wrote yesterday night before going to bed. I have already noticed I usually allow myself to think more and to accept more the ideas I have about me. They don’t look stupid. They don’t look ridiculous. They look true.
And the thing about tryin too hard is quite true. Don’t know wat I am looking for and it is all so ridiculous.

On the other hand, I still don’t know wat to do. I keep on thinking “If that’s not the ‘right’ way, wat is it then? How is right?” There is no right - grrr Eulália, put it into ur head..NO RIGHT and NO WRONG. Not to worry is something so hard to me. Not to think about things. Not to analyse. Be, girl. Just be. Guess telling myself this doenst look sumthin that wise either, huh? :S
I wont do anything then. Whatever.

Ah, and I slept very well and woke up feeling fine this morning – although didn’t sleep much. No headaches, no backache, my mouth feels good also..No “aches” at all.

2007-02-18T09:22:00.000-02:00

Saturday night, 23:45.
Ready to go to bed. Awfully hot night.
Went thru some former posts. It’s weird to read them after some time. I usually wonder how was that that I wrote this. Feels weird. Like the thing in Curitiba, in November. I wrote it so damn well – although it says in the post I wasn’t satisfied with that, it was too superficial or sumthin. And I was a bit amazed to see that I captured really well the time I spent during this trip.

I don’t know wat I wanna write about. I’m quite tired of talking about stuff at the therapist and how I feel about this or that – many things came to my mind now: wat to write about then? Didn’t think of anything else. Then thought about quitting posting. But I like it here..writing here. Then, I don’t know wat to do.

I haven’t started yoga yet, neither bought a motorcycle, neither applied to a course in the university (I also read the post about the “targets” for 2007). This “in-between” is annoying. I’ll start yoga after carnival (next week). I’ll start craftworks class in March (I wanted painting, but there were no openings for that, had to choose craftworks instead) and I’m all excited about it. Uni starts only in August or something and..that’s it.

“To do things” still bore me a lot. I worry a lot about them. I get anxious and afraid I wont be able to do them, afraid its gonna be hard work. I don’t like feeling like this. Being afraid of the future, to feel uncomfortable for the things I’ll have to do. Argh.

Got to find a way to relax. Spent the day with a very strong headache. And felt I’ve been sleepin with my whole face “tensioned”. My mouth articulation hurts and my head aches as if I was forcing my eyes and there’s this pain on my neck too. I’m all rotten…need relaxing.

Today we had a special lunch for mum and an aunt’s birthdays (mum on February 14 and this aunt on the 15th). We had a (unexpected) very good time. House full of ppl, kitchen full of food, lots of caipirinha, everybody laughin. My brother is here (leaves on the 25th), my sister’s bf came and a guy friend of mine came too. After lunch, we watched (for like, the third time) “Lola Rennt”. We ate the birthday cake and then ppl left. It was already 6pm.
I mean, wasn’t really sumthin planned. All those ppl, the food, the movie, the cake. But it all went down very very well (and I was happy).

After writing this, I have the feelin I’m still trying to prove sumthin. To prove I’m cool. To prove I have friends. To prove I belong. To prove I’m able to have good moments here. Grrrr. Hate this. I’m forcing myself again. Looking for meanings where there r none and there shouldn’t be none. To be is still too difficult to me.

Easy like Sunday morning...

2007-02-15T20:54:00.000-02:00

I wanna' be high
So high
I wanna' be free to know the things I do are right
I wanna' be free
Just me
Oh baby...
That's why
I'm easy
I'm easy like Sunday morning

("Easy" - Faith No More)

2007-02-12T01:58:00.000-02:00

And I'm still stuck on something I can not define, I can not control, I can not see. It's sad. I am sad. Although the idea of receiving support and feeling "supported" seems to mean something, it doesn't.

I feel that maybe moving my fat ass doing something different would help and make sumthin happen, but I feel just too heavy, too scared and too liveless to do anything but my routine. Safe things.

Safe. Safe. Safe.

And I keep wondering when is it that I will move some way. When is it that I'll make an effective movement. I can't seem to be able to do so.

Right now I feel that all I am and all I do and all I have is crappy. But what to do but this? Where to go but here? What to have but my own stuff?

I'm fucking afraid of loneliness, that's the truth.

It feels so weird now that this morning I was all fine and happy about many things and now I feel this way.

I don't like that. I can't understand that. I can't stand that.

It's 2 in the morning. I'm supposed to be up 6 today. Don't feel like going to bed anyways. Started crying and thinking and now I can't stop anymore.

Shame on me. I just keep on wondering when I'll be able to be enough to myself.

Brainwash. Is it possible? (a bit like Beautiful Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, maybe)

Nah. Wouldn't be much of a solution, anyways. Forgetting the bad stuff (maybe) would be good, but not remembering of all the rest would like not havin lived a single day of these 20 years, would mean not having felt anything.

Ok. I already know where I'm getting to. I'll say there's no other way but to be this. Me.

Why is that that I don't feel free?

(written on a paper before writing here. Would look much better and show much better what I mean, the paper with my handwriting)

2007-02-11T10:06:00.000-02:00

Sunday morning again. Funny, weird, but thats the only period i wake up without anything to do. And I like writin on Sundays, especially right after getting up. Sometimes I try to write the thing just doesn’t come.

Anyways, ill cut the crap..start writing.

Decided (or realized) I need to build my own opinion about the things that worry me. I am talking about mum and about the new girl at work. When I have a difficult issue, sumthin that bothers me and I am not really sure about what to think or wat to do, I usually ask somebody else’s opinion, I ask them explanation and direction. I keep the issue “in open” in my mind, as sumthin to be done, and take care of this until I talk to somebody trusty. But realized that, just like me, each person I asked for advice has a different opinion, and I will probably always hear different things. No way somebody can tell me wat to do. And I thought I needed that. But I’m getting kind of messy (again) and confused and lost.

Wat is my opinion now? I’ll do it my way hehe. Still listening to other ppl and asking advices (heard? ADVICE, not directions). And solvin probs.

About work, still “trainin” the girl, but im leavin her more time alone now. Firstly, cause I think its good for her to do her own things alone and secondly cause it gets on my nerves to spend the whole day observing. Man, it really does..tires me.
And found that at least now I have more time to “play” and make jokes. I feel easy now.

Havent started yoga nor gone to any disco yet. Im not even joggin anymore. Shame on me, I know, but I have been doin other things, and the things I wanna do will soon happen. But I have been to the movies again and had a lotta fun and “emotion”. Watched “Perfume – The story of murderer” on Thursday. Read about it before watchin and did not think it would be this good. Found it a bit nonsense, but the whole thing kind of made sense in the end, plus, the photography, the actors and the soundtrack were all good too. And yesterday went to barbecue. Had fun as well. Liked my behaviour (I say that cause I usually break myself from doin anything. I don’t speak. I don’t eat. I don’t laugh) And Im in luv with my spontaneity.

I’m still not sure if ill leave home when Natalia comes back. We decided to rent an apartment together when she’s back from the U.S. But I think maybe it means to me more than I had thought. I am afraid of loneliness. Seriously afraid. I don’t wanna panic again. I’m afraid of feelin empty…Bla..im afraid of anything.

Any chance they will make a rule/law which if we wake up and it is more than 30 degrees Celsius in the morning we don’t need to wear clothes on the streets??? :P Everybody is meltin, I am melting, and its only nine in the morning. Thanks God no work today. Ill make use of my bikini. ;)

Durma quando o sono bater...

Acorde quando Deus quiser...

Assista menos TV!

Cante no chuveiro,

escreva um livro

faça um filme

e se apaixone todo dia por você...

Pare tudo ao entardecer...

Não importa o que tiver pra fazer...

Veja o Sol se pondo no mar...

Ria sem motivo,

pinte um quadro,

veja desenho animado

Se apaixone de verdade por alguém...

Faça tudo valer a pena

A vida é tão imensa

e ao mesmo tempo é tão pequena !

Faça tudo valer a pena

Dizer : EU TE AMO, não devia ser problema

Faça o que quiser fazer...

Fale o que a voz quer dizer...

Que seja como que tiver de ser...J

ogue seu relógio fora.

Conte estrelas,molde nuvens,

Se apaixone todo dia...

Pelo mesmo alguém...

Faça tudo valer a pena

A vida é tão imensa

e ao mesmo tempo é tão pequena!

Faça tudo valer a pena

Dizer:EU TE AMO,

não devia ser problema, pois...

TUDO VALE A PENA

QUANDO A ALMA NÃO É PEQUENA(ñ é pequena)

("Vale a Pena" - Rub)

2007-02-05T20:27:00.000-02:00

I just like the ups and downs in almost all things in life. Had a bad toothache (theres no *ache i havent had yet, man, feel pain everywhere! :S) this night, those teeth that only come when we are ALMOST grown up r coming. And it hurts really bad. Woke up at 4 in the mornin and couldnt sleep anymore. Started watchin a dvd, "Last tango in Paris" and got up when the film ended and the alarm clock rang (it happened at the same time). Thought I would feel very rotten for that, but instead, had a quite nice day and didnt feel tired. The movie kinda "touched" me and I kept thinkin of it the whole day. Sad. Very sad. Like, it was worth watchin it instead of sleepin...

Spent Sunday afternoon at grannys and slept there. Had a very good time there. Let myself be, literally. Did the things i wanted. Told the things i wanted. Asked for the things I wanted. And allowed myself do the things she wanted me to do. And she was very kind and so on. I liked it.

And about dad, well, decided ill do only wat can be done. Wont fight for wat even he doesnt know.

And realised that even at work i make things more complicated so the final result is good. As if it didnt matter how upside down i get if it goes down well. Realised that explainin the things to the new girl..all the processes..so borin, so complicated..."u do this cause i dunno who likes it like this", "for this u go straight, turn right, go straight again, turn left, then turn back and blablablabla". A waste of time, actually. How silly I am. How worried about results and not about the things itself I am. How frozen I am about it. Well, since i noticed it, now im not frozen anymore.

Talked to the friend i went to the movies with last weekend. About how lonely i feel and all the things i wrote in the former post. He told me he kind of feels exactly like me and he totally supports me whenever i need him. It was a long conversation. I remember i went to bed with a satisfied feelin, as if sumthin very very good had happened, and then just remembered of this and that this was the reason.

U have no idea about how all this stuff was heavy to me. "Unsolved" situations. Uncomfortable feelings and not actin to change them. Now it feels good. Very very good.

Written on Sunday morning

2007-02-05T20:11:00.000-02:00

I feel things are gettin a bit harder as time goes by and i get deeper on me in therapy. Hard facing things, hard admittin they r like this, hard finding a better way to do this or that.

My therapist says I should spend more time with friends doin whatever I want than at home. She says I don’t have friends and I don’t look for them. She says that’s why I feel so bored at weekends and that’s why our family “fights” so much. Everybody just stay too much time together here.

I know wat she said is kinda true. But it sounds a little worse when u hear it out loud from someone else’s mouth. Scaring and sad. The bad thing was that at the moment she said that, we kind of started I fight. Me tryin to convence her I was doin sumthin and I was tryin to move ahead (to do things, to find friends and so on)…and she always wonderin whether I was really doin sumthin.

The truth is: yes, I wanna do things. Yes, I wanna have friends. But I don’t wanna do anything just to tell anyone im doin sumthin and I don’t wanna have friends im not happy or comfy bein with.
And its not true I haven’t been lookin for anything (she also said that). The problem right now is just that my plans don’t work most of the times. Like, I decided I would go to yoga class. It is twice a week, at night. One of the days is right when I go to therapy. I asked her to change the day I go see her. No way, she couldn’t find a day. And then there was this party last Saturday, when I went to bed at 8pm. I could have gone? Maybe. But first of all, I wasn’t feelin fine, happy. Then I would go all by myself and meet all the guys there (yes, guys, I knew about 5 guys that would be there). And then wat? I don’t know. Of course, I could have gone and maybe had fun. But I didn’t feel comfy goin there alone. I found it sumthin hard to face. Plus, I was feelin bad about grannys and so on. So, already a reason. I went to the movies with a friend on Wednesday. We watched “El Laberiento del Fauno”. Man, very very nice movie. I really thought it would be like a fairy tale or sumthin, but the guy mixes a lotta stuff together…violence, imagination, love, children, real story (it happens durin the civil war in Spain – Franco’s ditadura). And he made it in such a way that makes u feel all touched and touchy about the story. I really really liked it. And this friend of mine is very very cool too. I just luv him (seriously). Then u say “ U could go out and spend more time with him, if hes such a nice person.” Yes, I could. He lives far far far from my house and hes got like plenties of friends. I mean, its usually hard to contact him. But its already someone, anyways. I could have phoned him this weekend. But didn’t feel like (lol rotten me!). And I tried to find somewhere else to go (art/gym/whatever classes, workshops, groups, whatever), but I didn’t find anything that suited me. Then I remembered of this friend of mum we did meditation with some times. I phoned him. He was all polite and very nice. Hes got a yoga school downtown and I can go, whenever I want, twice a week there. He charges like the double of wat my first option did, and ill need to go there by bus, but I really like it. Seriously. So, I can say it is movin (very very slowly, but movin).

At therapy, we also talked about me lookin for safe situations (places, ppl, situations) and I strongly agreed with her. I actually don’t see anything wrong about this. I do lookk for safe stuff. Stuff I know, ppl I know, etc. It doesn’t mean im not opent for new situations, cause, of course I am! Of course I wont accept anything or go anywhere, but new stuff is also cool.

I had sumthin else to write about here but I cant remember wat it was…
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Now I know!

Dunno if ive written it here, but I am movin to the “human resources” department at work. To do so, they’ve hired a trainee to do my current job. She started workin on February 1st and now she spends all the time by my side. And it is weird. Fuckin weird. Firstly, its weird to have someone watchin u all the time (but, of course its ok cause im “teachin” her how to do wat I do there). Secondly, it’s a lot stranger to teach someone else the things and processes I have created as rules. Man, she writes everythin I say down. It feels so so weird. As if it was loosin the thinking part of the job.

I mean, when I got that job, it was a “created role” there. I got there to help ppl cause they were full of work. And I created all the processes in a way to help everybody. And I kinda had to learn it all by myself. I could even say I had “to feel” how things would go to decide how I would act. I mean, I chose the way my job would be. And now I pass her everythin as rules. Seems so wrong. I keep sayin all the time “It was the way I found easier to do these things, feel free to change anything”.

Just wanted to say I feel weird about it.

2007-01-28T10:32:00.000-02:00

Sunday morning. It's hot out there. It invites us to go swimmin or lazily lay down and feel the sun on our skin.

Today (and yesterday) theres no energy inside me to put on a bikini and do wat i feel like doing. Theres no energy to do anythin but keepin myself in this bad mood of mine and bein aware sumthin bothers me, but bein unable to find out wat the matter is.

I already know i feel like this when there's somethin wrong and I can't solve/face this problem. Guess this time it was/is the things at granny's. I force myself to act in a way i dont want to, in a way that isnt good to me. What for? To please her. To make things happen in a way that I dont let her down (and consequentely, i dont disappoint anyone). I know it sounds ridiculous, but theres still this need of not lettin ppl down, of bein accepted, of makin ppl proud of me, especially granny and dad. I feel trapped when i spent too much time at grannys. I keep on watchin my steps, tryin to please her. And i fuckin hate it. I fuckin hate the way i force myself to act. On the other hand, I know she thinks many good things about me and i wonder if these good things r the "pretendin" things or the true ones. Im afraid its the first option.

And, somehow, I expected to get home and feel better. Feel support from the ppl here (especially mum). And I got nothin. Ppl were livin their lives, wat else would i expect them to be doin? So, I wore a big frown the rest of the day. Felt like cookin and prepaired a "risoto de limão" (plz, dont think "What?!" cause ive heard it several times lately and im gonna be mad at u if u do the same. Yes, risoto de limão and it tastes really fuckin good - at least mine does). Ate it, went to my bedroom and read a bit and then felt sleepy (it was 8pm) and slept until 2am (lol, yes). Woke up to brush my teeths, drank some water and went to bed again. Woke up this mornin at 9. I slept for 13 hours. And didnt feel bad for that (i usually wake up with a headache or sumthin). And then I was able to talk to mum about it all..about how i feel (tried to tell her a dream i had, but it didnt work, she wouldnt pay THAT attention to me) and it worked. I feel a bit better now. Maybe ill even put my bikini on and go to the backyard (lol). The thing is that when i feel bad i feel heavy and tired and everythin is just too much to be done, I feel as if I couldnt move or if movin was just somethin too hard to do. And then I loose all that let it be feelin. Ate too much yesterday, slept too much, argued too much, felt too heavy. Should be more careful and more respectful to myself. Cant force me to do things i dont want to (thought i had already learnt that).

Thats all for now. Spent too much time here already, feel like doin sumthin else..like movin myself a bit (hehe).

2007-01-21T19:04:00.000-02:00

Sunday afternoon. An ordinary day. A good day.

Each time more I reckon things dont need to be big or expensive to make u feel good (I dont mean they GOT to be simple or cheap). Had a quite good weekend. Yesterday, we (= the girls from work) met to have breakfast, each girl took somethin to eat/drink (most of the things were homemade) and i felt happy for bein there. Sometimes I think this kind of feelin hurts, it shouldnt be like this, I know, but sometimes i like some ppl so much that it hurts. Dunno if its the thought of not havin them forever that hurts, or if it is a sad feelin for itself. Watever. The thing is that i had a good time there. I feel myself more communicative and with more "grace", lettin myself be, without censurin myself for this or that, not bein afraid of "acting", of sayin things that come to my mind suddenly...

Later, mum and I went to the "beauty parlor" to have our nails done. There was a hairdresser there and I had my hair cut too. I liked it, the haircut, but today caught the scissors and made it a bit more messy. And I met a friend there. She goes to the hairdresser about each 6 months and yesterday we both went there. It felt good too. In the evening we watched "Run, Lola, run" (nice film, btw, about how things can happen differently dependin on wat u do and how their results can be different and how a lot of things hehe) and we all had a good time again.

And today, woke up quite late (and got a headache for sleepin too much :S), and stayed home doin things. Its already sumthin different actually, to stay home doin things, cause we r never at home, not we three together. It felt good too. Now I just came back from the supermarket with my sister, we went there to buy some cheese and milk and brought a frozen pizza.

Wat I mean when i write it all here, each of the things that we did and were good, and were simple and were not big deals or anythin, is that I am enjoyin BEING, with the small things. I am satisfied with the things that happen and I am enjoyin all this.

Bah, u r tired of readin this! Sorry. It isnt (or wasnt) that common in my life and i feel i need to shout it is good and i feel fine, that i feel im livin now. That I feel POWERFUL.

Today sumthin weird came to my mind. The image I have of dad. My sister was talkin to mum about her x-bf and I remembered once when they went to grannys and dad was there, how dad treated him. Not badly. Better than I expected, actually. I really thought he would never accept any men in our lives but him. I mean it. Once, when I was around 13 years old, he came home (my parents were already divorced) and picked me up at school. I was kissin a guy. For him, i was doin sumthin wrong. Then, in Jericoacoara I met a boy that was kind of dad's friend. And he kind of didnt allow me see this boy. I continued seein him anyways, and I remember he was always jealous about it. As if I was givin the attention I should have given dad to this guy. I mean, since I dont know when i am afraid of dad. As if things with guys were forbiden under his eyes - while he's got a new young gf each 2 months.

Each time more i realise how things from my childhood, especially things related to mum, dad and granny "guided" me to become wat I am now. "Fright" of disappointin ppl. Disaffirmin my wills to please them. Not talkin about this or that cause this would let them down. Bein the nice girl so they would be proud of me and I would be "cared". Grrrrrr. I really hate it all. But Im glad I realise all this NOW. I mean, it made become an "interestin" person, a not ordinary person, i mean. I try hard when i want sumthin and i get it, sumtimes i even get more than i expected. Theres this fast thinkin..this thing of gettin other ppl's needs fast and so on. And now Im learnin how to live better inside me...bein assertive, yellin when i dont like sumthin, askin for help cause sumtimes i cant do everyhtin alone or i dont know how do sumthin and so on.

Again, I must say I feel happy.

2007-01-17T21:23:00.000-02:00

That weird feelin i wrote about yesterday doesn’t come and go whenever it wants. It doesn’t have its “own life”. On my way to the therapist I realized wat made me feel like that. Unfinished situations (situações inacabadas, whatever it is in English), especially with some relatives of mine (=dad). I would have to go thru the whole thing about my childhood and this need of pleasing dad and always makin him proud of me and satisfied about the things I do, always needin his approval. I got frustrated cause of that cause I didn’t feel good enough for that yesterday (and the day before and Sunday), I felt I let him down. Actually, in MY MIND I let him down (not that it really happened, I don’t know). And that was it.

Some things at work didn’t go well yesterday too..I managed to “solve” them (inside me) yesterday and today I went thru it again and faced it. No big deal, actually. It is just that there is this thing of not bein able to ask for help or to admit I am not able to do something. Workin on it too.

It sucks, doesn’t it? To see all these things in the inside part of me? But I actually usually get kind of amazed in seein how the things inside us “rules” everythin we do outside (at least, that happens with me and I am glad I notice these things and can deal with them).

And I am happy/satisfied/feelin fine again now.

Today I talked to this friend who is in the U.S. and told her about my ideas/plans about when she comes back. She liked it. I’m also very very happy about it and I hope all this happen. (somethin just too special to be commented here).

Ui!

2007-01-17T21:20:00.000-02:00

“Esta visão de sexualidade baseia-se nas idéias de Reich a respeito da natureza e do funcionamento do orgasmo. Descrevia o orgasmo como uma convulsão corporal total, vivida como extremamente agradável e satisfatória. Sua função é descarregar toda a excitação excedente ou energia, no orgasmo. Essa descarga deixa a pessoa em estado de completo relaxamento e paz. Reich denominava a capacidade para uma tal descarga de “potência orgástica”, equacionando-a à saúde emocional.”

“Medo da Vida”, Alexander Lowen