Daddy phoned on Sunday and told me things that I had never been aware of. It made me feel uneasy for some time and then later I phoned mum and told her these things and only then I realized I was feeling sorry for him. It was as if, for the first time, I could see him.

Maybe the word is “humanize”. I humanized daddy in my mind. I have always seen him as a different kind of person. The kind that doesn't feel, that doesn't care about other people, that did pretty bad things to his brother and some bad things to his mother.

And all of a sudden, somehow, everything starts making sense and I get everything completely sussed out. Some questions are still unanswered and they will always be. But, hey, it's my father and I lived 25 years seeing him as a person he probably isn't. What changed is that I think now I understand him. And it kind of changes everything related to him.

Well, that has made me feel a little bit sad since Sunday. And I got sick (the flu – not related to having had this talk with dad) and felt weak, and feeling weak made me realize I have to work and do things regardless of the way I feel, 'cause if I don't, I have no one to financially rely on (and sometimes, not even emotionally, I guess), and realizing this made things become a little bit heavier and harder to be done. I wanna work less and make more money. I need to have the time to work out (I'm having postural problems and it may become worse if I don't do anything). And if I'm not able to “bear” this, then I should do something about it (this meaning: to give up). But at the same time I thought “it's all a matter of feeling strong or weak”, 'cause I reckon when I felt fine I also felt kind of powerful, as if things could just flow the way they were supposed to (now they are supposed to be a mess and stuck).