Today, I'm at home this time 'cause I missed the time. And I could swear to God I don't have the slightiest, tiniest memory of the alarm clock ringing at 4.50am. The good part is that I just called my student and she said she hadn't canceled our class 'cause hadn't had time to that yesterday. Anyways, lost money (but still, not so bad).
Realized I'm on pms on Saturday, when I felt the urge to buy some chocolate (hadn't eaten chocolate for ages and for me, that meant something) and then, all of a sudden, everything is really irritating and it's hard for me to do the stuff I have to (work related, home related, college related, anything). And the "I can't sleep" times are back. I go to bed, sleep really fast, wake up after less than half an hour and then stay for at least the next hour or so (and today I didn't hear the damn clock ringing. It is really annoying when you realize you are really capable of failing to see things, of going to things and not being to go to then because you can't remember they've happened. It's really annoying). This time, I am anxious about hundreds of stuff. I'm gonna start my internship very soon (depending on how long I am able togo through the bureaucratic stuff) and I am gonna work after college until 1am. Although it seems bad, it's the best shift I could actually get. Studying in the afternoon is not something good when you wanna do stuff like that. Then I will still continue with my morning classes (if I don't leave the classes I have now, adding up the money I'll get from the internship, I'll be able to have almost the same salary I have now) and I am seriously thinking about having lunch time free so I can sleep after the morning classes and before college. I am afraid I won't be able to do this. I do need sleep. And I feel really messy right now, with stuff I should have done several days before (that's the freelancer syndrome, I read somewhere lol nothing's more appealing than a cup of coffee and a book or a newspaper before starting work. And work never starts).
So, while I was in bed, wide awake last night, I decided two things: I really need a change to be able to go through this, so, I'll stop procrastinating (again) - and that's when it works better, during pms, when I feel a lot of anger and have plenty of energy to go through a particular path. This means doing everything I am intended to do and getting my "activities pile" clean. The second thing is that I'm going back on the pill. I have no records of having a mild pms, but still, if there's a way to tame female hormones it is to be on pills, so, I'll do that. I realize exercising wouldn't be bad either, but I try to think when I'd do that and I see I should stop sleeping if I want to add any other activity to my routine. I wanted to start gardening, having my own cooking herbs and so on. I imagine myself going to the backyard and picking fresh parsley or basil for lunch, its greeness and freshness and I feel I really want to do that. But not now. I wanted to start paying more attention to photography, I'm really keen on it and I'd also really start to do something related to it, but...
The internship contract lasts 6 months. I hope to be able to work at any restaurant kitchen feeling confident about myself after that, so, after these 6 months, things will probably change again. And that's it.
Ha, here's something funny. As I have no time for exercising (well, I do, but I am not able to go jogging with all this sun pouring outthere), last time I came from Sao Jose I bought a pilates dvd. Haven't watched it yet though (yes, I know, I know). Gonna give it a try today and see how it goes.
Still thinking about dad now and then and trying to decide what to do about it. Still feeling alone sometimes but having the time of my life more often than I'd ever expect. Having friends around. And now, being in a bad mood. As soon as I realized how much anger I was feeling regarding everything I kinda decided to change it. As if I could suddenly make it become smoke and disappear. Fade. And I think somehow, this mindset worked (and all this happened during the night, when I couldn't sleep). So, that's it for now, gonna go sort some stuff out now...
Realized I'm on pms on Saturday, when I felt the urge to buy some chocolate (hadn't eaten chocolate for ages and for me, that meant something) and then, all of a sudden, everything is really irritating and it's hard for me to do the stuff I have to (work related, home related, college related, anything). And the "I can't sleep" times are back. I go to bed, sleep really fast, wake up after less than half an hour and then stay for at least the next hour or so (and today I didn't hear the damn clock ringing. It is really annoying when you realize you are really capable of failing to see things, of going to things and not being to go to then because you can't remember they've happened. It's really annoying). This time, I am anxious about hundreds of stuff. I'm gonna start my internship very soon (depending on how long I am able togo through the bureaucratic stuff) and I am gonna work after college until 1am. Although it seems bad, it's the best shift I could actually get. Studying in the afternoon is not something good when you wanna do stuff like that. Then I will still continue with my morning classes (if I don't leave the classes I have now, adding up the money I'll get from the internship, I'll be able to have almost the same salary I have now) and I am seriously thinking about having lunch time free so I can sleep after the morning classes and before college. I am afraid I won't be able to do this. I do need sleep. And I feel really messy right now, with stuff I should have done several days before (that's the freelancer syndrome, I read somewhere lol nothing's more appealing than a cup of coffee and a book or a newspaper before starting work. And work never starts).
So, while I was in bed, wide awake last night, I decided two things: I really need a change to be able to go through this, so, I'll stop procrastinating (again) - and that's when it works better, during pms, when I feel a lot of anger and have plenty of energy to go through a particular path. This means doing everything I am intended to do and getting my "activities pile" clean. The second thing is that I'm going back on the pill. I have no records of having a mild pms, but still, if there's a way to tame female hormones it is to be on pills, so, I'll do that. I realize exercising wouldn't be bad either, but I try to think when I'd do that and I see I should stop sleeping if I want to add any other activity to my routine. I wanted to start gardening, having my own cooking herbs and so on. I imagine myself going to the backyard and picking fresh parsley or basil for lunch, its greeness and freshness and I feel I really want to do that. But not now. I wanted to start paying more attention to photography, I'm really keen on it and I'd also really start to do something related to it, but...
The internship contract lasts 6 months. I hope to be able to work at any restaurant kitchen feeling confident about myself after that, so, after these 6 months, things will probably change again. And that's it.
Ha, here's something funny. As I have no time for exercising (well, I do, but I am not able to go jogging with all this sun pouring outthere), last time I came from Sao Jose I bought a pilates dvd. Haven't watched it yet though (yes, I know, I know). Gonna give it a try today and see how it goes.
Still thinking about dad now and then and trying to decide what to do about it. Still feeling alone sometimes but having the time of my life more often than I'd ever expect. Having friends around. And now, being in a bad mood. As soon as I realized how much anger I was feeling regarding everything I kinda decided to change it. As if I could suddenly make it become smoke and disappear. Fade. And I think somehow, this mindset worked (and all this happened during the night, when I couldn't sleep). So, that's it for now, gonna go sort some stuff out now...
4 comentários:
May I ask you what's the problem between you and your father?
Well, it's quite a long story. We haven't spoken to each other properly since my grandmother's death (or a little bit before that), in December 2009. It's all about guilt and who blames whom for what and who has hurt whom (more). It didn't help, did it? Sorry.
It's quite difficult to have a good relationshíp with our parents specially when we're grown ups,
sometimes we forget they aren't heroes.
My grandma died when my uncle and her barely talked to each other. he said he really felt sorry for not trying harder to change that(even if he could forget some things that happened).
Well I don't know what he did to you or you did to him but I hope you two can make peace.
Hey Anônimo.
Thanks for you comments. Someone had already told me (or I read it somewhere, I don't know) that parents aren't heroes. But I think it was only last Saturday that I realized what it really meant. In my mind, raising children is one of the most important thing someone can decide to do in one's life, and it should be done perfectly and, yes, they should be something like heroes. But, looking around, I wasn't given such bad parents, I have heard so many stories and so many creepy and sad stuff my stuff is almost nothing (I don't usually grade my stuff by comparing it to other people's, but in this case, it just seems fair). And that's it. There are many "buts" here, but, yes, daddy isn't a hero (even though he says he did the best he could and he seems to truly believe that and I think he's completely wrong, that he could have done a thousand times better), he did try.
I'm getting nowhere here trying to convince myself of I dunno what.
Thanks, anyways.
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