All of a sudden had a "productivity attack" - the sudden will of accomplishing things, getting them done. And I decided to do the stuff I intended to but never had the time to do them, because, most of all, they weren't urgent stuff - but they were piling up in the "leisure" list anyways.

Writing here was one of them. Whenever I think I should write more and feel guilty, I think back that I haven't been able to write 'cause I'm busy doing my stuff, living maybe (yes yes, like the cliché). But, what the heck! Sometimes I wanna write here. I want to put my thoughts somewhere and read them later. Writing usually helps whatever the problem is and reading the posts is usually nice, so, why not?

Again (and again and again and always), I have had these ups and downs. I don't know what's the cause of this - yeah, because it has to have a cause, a meaning, it has to come from somewhere - maybe it is really fibromyalgia, maybe everything (body and mind, and resting and thinking and so on) is related. I once (yesterday, I think) pictured it in my mind as somekind of a chart in which all this stuff was somehow related to each other and how if one of them was good, it could make the others good to and if bad, make the others become bad too. And that's exactly how it feels. It seems there's a button somewhere in my body (maybe many buttons, one in my mind, another one for lack of sleep, and yet another for joint pain). Everything is related. And it doesn'r matter really I do that works, it's gonna work perfectly for some time and then somehow I will get used to it and it will stop "making effect". No idea how it works, only know it's that way. And so, I'm doomed to keep on seeking for anything that makes me feel better - right now, it doesn't seem bad at all. But sometimes it sucks.

Sometimes, I just wish I could be taken to a nursing home and be taken care of. No responsibilities, no forgetting stuff, no pushing myself harder and harder, not being "on turbo" all the time. Just breathing, having someone to make a schedule for me (breakfast time, playing time, bed time). But then I get to the conclusion I would die of boredom, of anxiety, of monotony.

And here's the paradox. I like challenges. I like to see how far I can go. It makes me feel alive. But then I get to a point I can't take it anymore. I wanna give up. I wanna stop. I wanna go to my mother's arms (although it's just an imaginary mother's arms, not saying anything bad about my mother, it's just that she isn't like this and she is just as messy as me).

Pilates is helping. I'm feeling beautiful. I feel I have a great body now and I get stronger each time I go there. My instructors (there are 2 of them there) make me do things I didn't think I was capable of. Things I try once and say "No way. I can't do this" and they go like "Of course you can. Come on!". And then it happens. Then I'm up there. And of course it helps with the pain and with straining some parts of the body without hurting them (like, at work, chopping a lot of stuff and feeling my wrist is gonna break in two. Sometimes I can take it haha).

And I have been thinking I wanted to have someone. But this in my mind is like a fairy tale and I am almost completely sure this is never gonna happen. And this happens with practically everything in my life. What I want, I want the way I want it. It is probably very stubborn and I probably get to lose many opportunities on a lot of stuff because of that. But that's the way it is and I just can't take it another way. I want to like someone I can admire, I can laugh of and with, someone who isn't too cheesy, someone who finds me beautiful and intelligent, but silly and naive at times. Someone who likes sex just as I do and who likes to have fun. Someone who learns about me and somehow shows it by doing small stuff - 'cause I usually do the same. No anniversay presents, no formal stuff. Just doing what you feel like doing and somehow showing you care don't matter what day it is.

Yeah, I'm quite eager to feel that. And here's another doubt in my mind: you probably build this up with a person, huh? I mean, I should be patient and start for things to "grow on me" when I meet someone, right?

I guess so. Gotta find the patience for that (patience and waiting have never been part of me, I get frustrated very easily and I don't think you gotta suffer or anything before you get to the good part. No pain no gain is no truth for me).

And about what to do in my life, I have somehow decided what I want to be good at. So, the intention is to finish gastronomy this semester (with the internship and the report, whatever you call it in English), get the CPE, start studying food engineering and then seeing how it goes from there on (this probably involves traveling abroad, doing post-graduation courses and so on). But I decided I want to be good at it. I want to be successful. No matter where. I wanna be good at it and I wanna be making quite some money and I wanna get rid of this feeling I have now - ha! it came up by itself and it's true. I hate feeling the world is gonna end and I have to push harder and harder to accomplish the stuff I wanna do.

And that's it. I have friends and it is weird. Never thought of me as someone who people would remember. First, I cared, but now I don't, really and still, it's weird.

I really like music and reading and eating and sleeping and having fun. Music is the most amazing thing someone could ever think of. All the possibilities and what have been done with it is something totally amazing, there are no words for it. I'm such a baby I sometimes cry when I see great people playing live. The atmosphere, the sounds surrounding you and kind of wrapping you in somekind of a trance is really amazing. It is something I haven't felt anywhere else with anything else.

It was kind painful to write this post. I cried in some parts of it. But I feel that, right now, I am everything I wrote in there, exactly what I wrote in there. And it is great to somehow define myself and being able to write about it - yeah, sometimes I feel I'm going mad and all my sureness (does this word exist?) about everything is gone - most of the time it's gone. You know the feeling when saying a word, or writing it or thinking about something feels weird? As if somehow it isn't accurate, or correct, or it feels like you just made it up because it didn't exist before? I feel this ALL the time.

It's been quite a long time. Always different and, somehow, always the same.

Going through a phase (a phase, I hope) where where everything is worn out (I'm worn out) and every damn thing feels so repetitive that even the thought of doing things makes me feel tired. Not physically tired, not sleepy, just tired of stuff.

Eating is boring, sleeping is boring (not sleeping properly, but getting to sleep, lying in bed and waiting for the zone inbetween awakeness and dream to come feels tiring), working is boring, going to the supermarket is boring. It's always like "oh, not again, I've done it yesterday already! Is it going to be everyday like this?".

I've know for a long time I have this feeling about things being repetitive and I avoid to feel it the most I can. And when I can't help it, there's this nuisance that bothers the hell out of me and I don't know what to do about it. It can be an awkward situation, something I have been through already, something that happened to me and I wanna tell people, but when I get to the second or third person I am already tired of myself telling the same thing over and over again. It sucks.

But now what? Not sleeping is not really an option. My face has never looked so bad ever since. I have dark and deep circles around my eyes and you can tell by how my skin is that I haven't had much rest lately. Not eating? Doing what then? And I do feel hungry, but there's this laziness about going and fixing something to eat or drink and nothing looks that appealing.

What then? am I depressed (crying may be a symptom huh?)? Am I ever going to not feel tired about doing the same things everyday over and over and over again? I really fucking hope so. But now that doesn't really seem very likely.

Life is made of these unplanned moments and unplanned feelings and emotions, good or bad ones. Of things or experiences we are not really expecting to have.

The moment you get this sussed out and start caring about it, everything becomes meaningful and more fulfilling.

And it feels now like I'm having the time of my life. All the time.

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Daddy phoned on Sunday and told me things that I had never been aware of. It made me feel uneasy for some time and then later I phoned mum and told her these things and only then I realized I was feeling sorry for him. It was as if, for the first time, I could see him.

Maybe the word is “humanize”. I humanized daddy in my mind. I have always seen him as a different kind of person. The kind that doesn't feel, that doesn't care about other people, that did pretty bad things to his brother and some bad things to his mother.

And all of a sudden, somehow, everything starts making sense and I get everything completely sussed out. Some questions are still unanswered and they will always be. But, hey, it's my father and I lived 25 years seeing him as a person he probably isn't. What changed is that I think now I understand him. And it kind of changes everything related to him.

Well, that has made me feel a little bit sad since Sunday. And I got sick (the flu – not related to having had this talk with dad) and felt weak, and feeling weak made me realize I have to work and do things regardless of the way I feel, 'cause if I don't, I have no one to financially rely on (and sometimes, not even emotionally, I guess), and realizing this made things become a little bit heavier and harder to be done. I wanna work less and make more money. I need to have the time to work out (I'm having postural problems and it may become worse if I don't do anything). And if I'm not able to “bear” this, then I should do something about it (this meaning: to give up). But at the same time I thought “it's all a matter of feeling strong or weak”, 'cause I reckon when I felt fine I also felt kind of powerful, as if things could just flow the way they were supposed to (now they are supposed to be a mess and stuck).

Eyes will drift to the sky

In time

While arms keep holding tight

There's a party in full force

Still the guests

Can't help but watch the door

Expressing your uncertainties

Through years of anniversaries

Then five years down the line

You say, "She was never my type"

Lovers are strangers

There's nothing to discuss

Hearts will be faithful

While the truth is told to someone else

When you look off

Tell me who you really love

Fall comes by surprise

Looking into strange eyes

Like school kids who are not friends

In the streets they are connected

Huddling in the dark

The only number you call

Magic moments are not lost

They'll outlive all your doubts

Lovers are strangers

There's nothing to discuss

Hearts will be faithful

While the truth is told to someone else

When you look off

Tell me who you really love

Lovers Are Strangers - Chinawoman

Epithalamium

You're beeswax and I'm bird shit.
I'm mostly harmless. You're irrational.
If I'm iniquity then you're theft.
One of us is supercalifragilistic.

If I'm the most insane disgusting filth
you're hardly curiosa.
You're bubble wrap to my fingertips.
You're winter sleep and I'm the bee dance.

And I am menthol and you are eggshell.
When you're atrocious I am Spellcheck.
You're the yen. I'm the Nepalese pound.
If I'm homesteading you're radical chic.

I'm carpet shock and you're the rail.
I'm Memory Foam Day on Price-Drop TV
and you're the Lord of Misrule who shrieks
when I surface in goggles through duckweed,

and I am Trafalgar, and you're Waterloo,
and frequently it seems to me that I am you,
and you are me. If I'm the rising incantation
you're the charm, or I am, or you are.

- Nick Laird



From The New Yorker, January 24th, 2011

Don't (ever) get any big ideas.
They're not gonna happen.
(...)
Now that you found it, it's gone.
Now that you feel it, you don't.

Discuto mentalmente por horas a fio um relacionamento que não existe com alguém que eu não conheço.

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Daddy left my house this morning, heading São Jose dos Campos.

Some posts ago, I wrote I intended to call him. And I did. And we talked about trivial stuff and we were able to get on well. Concidentally, he was about to come to São Paulo state a week after I called him and I invited him to stay in my house for a few days if he wanted. (well, at the same time he was flying from Fortaleza to são Paulo, my brother was flying to Ireland. Funny, no?)

Well, he came on Tuesday afternoon and stayed till this morning. As a good host, I gave him my room and tried to be nice. We did many things together and we got on well. But... I dont know. Things became so sad this morning. He's still the same man, active, eager to speak, won't let you talk, noisy all the time and always telling what you have to do. I had a headache all the time (now it's a bit better) and for some time I just wished for some silence in the house.

Anyways, I saw many unexpected qualities I had never noticed (or he gained some time from now, who knows it): every time he would address to my cats, he would call himself “grandpa”. I had never imagined how he would treat a child of mine if I ever had/have one. He seemed kind. He liked the girls (my cats). If someone asked me, I could say he must have bet a big deal of something that by the time I was 20 I would have already had a kid. Blurred or not, that's the image I've always thought he had of me.

It was quite weird to host him as a grown-up, independent daughter. Living alone, working really hard to be good at what I do and to make ends meet at the end of the month (they don't really, but who cares haha).

We went to the cemetery to visit granpa and my great-grandmother's grave. He told me he intended to visit my uncle's (his brother) grave in SJC, too. And all the time, I thought (but I didn't say anything 'cause I wanted no arguments or anything bad between us) “You didn't go to their funerals, dad. You charged to 'donate' bone marrow to my uncle. You hated grandpa. Why did it take you so long to get things sussed out?”

And when we went to Santa Efigenia, he showed me the store he used to look at and think about buying me a guitar when I was young. “Why didn't you buy it, dad? I would have loved to have a guitar and play it.” But there was no answer.

And everything is gone. And he is a mixture of a stranger and someone very close to me all at the same time. And it is deeply fucking sad.

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And then, suddenly, I got lost. As an early and conscious pms in which you know exactly what bothers you and what the problems are and why you feel sad. But despite all that awareness, lost.

People are vanishing (don't ask me to explain anything but they are). And I have less and less time to have fun and meet people (although there's aren't many people I'd like to meet ayways, but still). I feel I need to spend some energy, to cry a lot, or to dance a lot, or to drink a lot and get really wasted, to do anything to feel (and keep me) alive.

And despite all that, I have a nice job, nice friends, enough money, really great little creatures which are my cats, I (finally) have some kind of a relationship with everyone from my family, I am able to do an internship, work and study at the same time and smart enough (maybe not tough enough, but smart, that's for sure) to do it now, while no one else is thinking of this and which is gonna (probably) put me miles ahead from the others in my classroom and so on. And I feel fine about it all (with an always huge feeling of melancholy, but I think I have finally accepted the fact it's never gonna change).

Today it looks more like Sunday than it did on Sunday itself. The day started quite "bright", I even thought it would be sunny but now it is raining again. So, again, it feels really nice to be at warm at home and to have coffee here and to eat some nice stuff and to be listening to music and surfing the net.

I think a lot of stuff has changed since I started my evening internship. It is a little bit hard to have an everyday routine now, because each day there's something different to do in the morning and I work weekends and have two days off during the week and these two days vary every week. So, sometimes I sleep 2 or 3 hours a night, sometimes 9 hours a night, sometimes a bit during the night, a bit during the day, sometimes only the day after, sometimes I have to take plenty of Ginseng to keep me awake and aware (yes, ginseng does wonderful things). And that's it. Of course, there are side effects to all that change. My stomach has bothered me a little too much lately. I go to college quite unaware of stuff, as if I had smoked pot everytime we are in the kitchen. But some nice stuff has happened too: I dream more now. I think I use my dreams to close unfinished business. That being, I usually dream of stuff that worried me during the day and sometimes I have difficulty saying what was reality and what I dreamt during the night. But I also dreamt of granny these days and it was nice (it reminds me that I'll probably call my father today, bearing in mind parents are not heroes or perfect people, it became easier to try and talk to him). In this dream, granny said nice things about the sofa that was hers and I had it "recovered" (literally) and brought home (it is still in my mother's house and I'm about to bring it here). After dreaming that I realized she would have been proud of me if she saw what I did (can't tell if that's one of the reasons for doing all this). And I realized it was important to me. I mean, there are many things inside me that I didn't really know. It just crossed my mind that I ran away from her and dad 'cause they were too hard on us and I couldn't take it. It has always been true but somehow I had forgotten it. What does it mean? Dunno. I never (never) hated them or anything, it is just that I would always let them down, I guess. At least for granny. Sometimes I wonder what she'd think of this and that and I think that I'd be happy to give her a call to tell her the stuff going on here. But then I remember she used to disapprove of me of too many things. My ex-bf. The way I spend my money (God knows what they had in mind about it, 'cause I've never really said anything about it). How I didn't call them enough. And so on. Guess I should have learnt how to deal with that. Last week, at college, we made a dish (one that I particularly hate) that granny used to make very often and that daddy liked a lot. It made me think a lot of her (and maybe that's why I dreamt of her) and it made me go through all this.

The internship also made me not care too much about things anymore. Haha, guess I am even lazier now, meaning that I find it really useless to argue over stuff when its result is not going to affect anything. It's like "whatever" for everything. I don't care.

That's it for now. Haven't had much spare time and when I do, I get a little bit lost and start procrastinating (and usually end the day having done nothing). I even thought about recording stuff while I'm commuting (that's what I do the most nowaydays), but somehow, I gave up this "new project". Maybe it's not such a bad idea.

It doesn't matter what I do it seems I'm never ready for anything, there's always this feeling that something's missing, that I'm heading unprepared, weightless and it is as if I said to myself "c'mon, let's see where it takes us". And maybe,that's it.

Today, I'm at home this time 'cause I missed the time. And I could swear to God I don't have the slightiest, tiniest memory of the alarm clock ringing at 4.50am. The good part is that I just called my student and she said she hadn't canceled our class 'cause hadn't had time to that yesterday. Anyways, lost money (but still, not so bad).

Realized I'm on pms on Saturday, when I felt the urge to buy some chocolate (hadn't eaten chocolate for ages and for me, that meant something) and then, all of a sudden, everything is really irritating and it's hard for me to do the stuff I have to (work related, home related, college related, anything). And the "I can't sleep" times are back. I go to bed, sleep really fast, wake up after less than half an hour and then stay for at least the next hour or so (and today I didn't hear the damn clock ringing. It is really annoying when you realize you are really capable of failing to see things, of going to things and not being to go to then because you can't remember they've happened. It's really annoying). This time, I am anxious about hundreds of stuff. I'm gonna start my internship very soon (depending on how long I am able togo through the bureaucratic stuff) and I am gonna work after college until 1am. Although it seems bad, it's the best shift I could actually get. Studying in the afternoon is not something good when you wanna do stuff like that. Then I will still continue with my morning classes (if I don't leave the classes I have now, adding up the money I'll get from the internship, I'll be able to have almost the same salary I have now) and I am seriously thinking about having lunch time free so I can sleep after the morning classes and before college. I am afraid I won't be able to do this. I do need sleep. And I feel really messy right now, with stuff I should have done several days before (that's the freelancer syndrome, I read somewhere lol nothing's more appealing than a cup of coffee and a book or a newspaper before starting work. And work never starts).

So, while I was in bed, wide awake last night, I decided two things: I really need a change to be able to go through this, so, I'll stop procrastinating (again) - and that's when it works better, during pms, when I feel a lot of anger and have plenty of energy to go through a particular path. This means doing everything I am intended to do and getting my "activities pile" clean. The second thing is that I'm going back on the pill. I have no records of having a mild pms, but still, if there's a way to tame female hormones it is to be on pills, so, I'll do that. I realize exercising wouldn't be bad either, but I try to think when I'd do that and I see I should stop sleeping if I want to add any other activity to my routine. I wanted to start gardening, having my own cooking herbs and so on. I imagine myself going to the backyard and picking fresh parsley or basil for lunch, its greeness and freshness and I feel I really want to do that. But not now. I wanted to start paying more attention to photography, I'm really keen on it and I'd also really start to do something related to it, but...

The internship contract lasts 6 months. I hope to be able to work at any restaurant kitchen feeling confident about myself after that, so, after these 6 months, things will probably change again. And that's it.

Ha, here's something funny. As I have no time for exercising (well, I do, but I am not able to go jogging with all this sun pouring outthere), last time I came from Sao Jose I bought a pilates dvd. Haven't watched it yet though (yes, I know, I know). Gonna give it a try today and see how it goes.

Still thinking about dad now and then and trying to decide what to do about it. Still feeling alone sometimes but having the time of my life more often than I'd ever expect. Having friends around. And now, being in a bad mood. As soon as I realized how much anger I was feeling regarding everything I kinda decided to change it. As if I could suddenly make it become smoke and disappear. Fade. And I think somehow, this mindset worked (and all this happened during the night, when I couldn't sleep). So, that's it for now, gonna go sort some stuff out now...

Otto at Sesc Vila Mariana

So, yesterday, I went to see Otto's concert at Teatro Vila Mariana (at Sesc). I had an album by him and had listened to it a few times before and yesterday I listened to his last album, something with "Sonhos Intranquilos" in its title. Well, as it was at the theater, you had numbered seats and so on (I had bought my ticket in advance, 'cause I knew it was going to be sold out very fast) and when I arrived there there were a lot of people asking for extra tickets and a big crowd at the entrance. The concert took a little bit longer than expected to start (Sesc is usually on time with this kind of stuff) and when it started the woman sat next to me started kind of dancing on her chair (sat). Then she got up and went somewhere she could dance without bothering anyone. And then a few people started going down the stairs and staying near the stage, where they could dance. And then more and more people left their seats to be nearer the stage and able to dance. Man, I had never seen such thing before. It's a theater, with many many seats and half the audience is standing there, singing his songs and dancing to them. And the concert lasted two hours. The band was amazing, Otto was amazing, with his wandering words inbetween songs and the audience, too, amazing.
I was really amazed, because, just two days earlier I had been there to see Jorge Mautner singing. It was also a great concert, but completely different from Otto's. People really connected there. Amazing.

Feeling awful and disappointed. I'm not enough for myself. My life is too damn boring now.

Haven't been able to sleep more than 5 hours a night and today tried to sleep twice during the day and didn't get any rest. That's probably why my world's grey today.

On my way to a two-hour class. Bleh!

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